The Adventures of The Avon Lady Continues … I Need A “Cruise” Cut!
I decided I needed a new hair cut for my Avon cruise to the Bahamas. I called my “new hairdresser” to set up an appointment. (My old hair dresser is unavailable for however long it takes to work off speeding tickets on a motor cycle in the local correctional facility!)
I arrive at the appointment with Avon books in hand. As I wait, I browse through the brochure trying to decide what Jenny, my new hair dresser, would like. I know she likes handbags…so I decide to make sure my Avon Butler “Organizer” Bag is organized before I show it to her. I carefully tuck and hide anything that should not be in a pouch so my bag would look like the one in the book. You have to understand one thing… if I get a large bag…I’ll find stuff to fill it with! I looked in my bag. One pocket was full of receipts…OK…that’s not organized! One long pocket holds my wallet that is so full of receipts the snap will no longer snap…OK…that doesn’t look very organized either! I carefully fold the receipts (that I need to put in file folders in the office at home) and tuck them inside a zippered pouch and “discreetly” eat the rest. MUCH BETTER! I make sure everything visible has a home before I show the bag to Jenny.
She finishes with the girl before me and calls me over to her chair. “Jenny, before we get started I’ve got to show you this new “Butler Bag” from Avon! I love it. It has a compartment for everything so you’ll never have to search for your keys or phone again! (The receipts gurgled in my stomach as I spoke!) I proudly opened my bag to show Jenny.
“It’s really nice…but I don’t really carry a big bag. When I get a big bag…I always find stuff to fill it! I try to stick with smaller bags.” My Safeway receipt curled around my intestines as I listened to her. So much for the bag!
“What do you want to do with your hair?” she asked.
“I want to do something different. I’m tired of just taking my hair and wrapping it around and clipping it behind my head! I just earned a cruise to the Bahamas from Avon and I want something easy yet elegant.” I told her. She started jumping up and down (scissors in hand) and singing something Jamaican from Bob Marley! OMG…she was more excited about the cruise than I was! How much of that was excitement for me… and how much was sucking up to get a big tip? It’s hard to say. I mean, what she had to say was soooooo true! She told me how awesome I was and how proud I should be. She said I was the best Avon Lady she’d ever met (although she’s never ordered from me)! She told me how much I deserved the cruise and how pampered I would be! As she talked, I looked in the mirror in front of me. My hair seemed to have much more volume than it did when I sat in the chair just minutes ago! I looked again…and MY HEAD WAS SWOLLEN!!!!!!! OK…so it felt good hearing all the things she had to say…but would my haircut cost more now because my hair was “bigger?”
She guided me and my “big” head over to the sink for a wash. As she washed my hair she massaged my scalp and neck. I relaxed as the warm water cascaded over me and Jenny released the tension from every tight muscle from my neck up. Does she always do this or was she doing this to shrink my head so I could hold it up straight to make it easier for her to cut?
As I sat back down in the chair, Jenny asked once again “What do you want to do with your hair?”
“I’m thinking I might want to lighten it up a bit and maybe do bangs.”
“NO! I don’t think bangs are a good idea”, Jenny said. She was probably right. Every time I’ve cut my hair shorter in the past and went for bangs…I ended up looking like a Wookie from Star Trek! She looked again and said “Maybe you’re right. Long straight bangs to the side would be very sexy!”
“Whatever you think Jenny! I totally trust you!” I said.
Jenny focused on my “Cruise Cut”. I watched in the mirror as she pulled out the tools she would need to make it the perfect cut. I made a mental note of everything I would need to make my hair look just the way she did (that is, of course… if I even liked it!) Hair dryer…check… Large round brush….check… Smaller round brush…check… Flat brush…check…Diffuser…check…Attachment for blowing your hair straight…check. I HAD EVERYTHING AT HOME!!!!!! THIS WOULD BE EASY!!!
My brain still strummed a melody from the massage and Jenny supplied the lyrics. “Always remember that wet hair is your friend.” OH MY GOD!!! That was beautiful!!!!!!! Where did Jenny find the lyrics to match the massage melody going through my head? I’ll never forget those words!
I watched in the mirror as she turned the blow dryer on high and used the large round brush to begin styling. I took detailed mental notes. Pull the hair up and aim the air at the roots. Take the dryer away and pull the brush to the ends and under. Start at the base and work up. Turn the dryer on low and attach the attachment for straight hair. Slowly pull the “bangs” to the side with the straight brush then aim the air backwards to finish off with the smaller round brush. Go back to the large round brush…set the dryer on medium and curl the sides towards the back. Wow…there’s no way I can forget this! Finish off with a cream to tame any wild strands and a little light spray to keep everything in place. Jenny finished my style and handed me the hand mirror to look at the cut from different angles. My hair glistened and swayed as I turned to check out my “cruise” cut.
Who was that girl in the mirror? Every strand was in place and hair gleaming. OMG…It was me!
I thanked her for giving me such an elegant yet easy cut for my cruise. She offered to loan me her curling iron to take along on the cruise. I didn’t need her curling iron…I knew exactly how to style my new “do”! I tipped her extravagantly and left the shop.
I walked in my front door and Tom raved about the cut. (Michael said I looked like Mrs. Brady on the Brady bunch!) I agreed with Tom. My hair was awesome and it was sooooooooo easy to style! I felt like a new person as I cooked dinner and did my other “womanly” chores. It’s absolutely amazing what a new style can do for your attitude!
The next morning as I showered, I looked forward to my new style. This was great! I finally had bangs again that would look sexy and elegant! Getting ready for my new style… I dug in drawers and cabinets and pulled out all the tools I needed. Large round brush…check…smaller round brush…flat brush…check…blow dryer…check…diffuser…check…attachment for drying straight hair…check. YIPPEE…everything I needed! I looked at the “tools” on the counter then looked in the mirror. Jenny’s lyrics came back to me…”Always remember wet hair is your friend”…WHAT IN THE HELL DID THAT MEAN??????????? I looked in the mirror and my hair was starting to dry! NOOOOOOOOO! My wookie bangs were taunting me…”Always remember wet hair is your friend!” WHERE WAS THAT CREAM??????? WHERE WAS MY “CRUISE” CUT???
I took out the dryer and set it on high. I picked up the large round brush and began at the top. Wait a minute. Did Jenny begin at the top or the bottom? I tried to remember what my “massage” brain saw! I took the smaller round brush and started again at the bottom….NOOOOOOOOO…my ends were curling up! “OK…calm down…you can do this…it’s easy!” I said to myself. Take the attachment for drying “straight hair” and blow it upwards on medium. That should do it! I slowly pulled the brush away and looked in the mirror. Wookie bangs were tightly curled down…sides were sticking straight out and the ends of my hair were flipping up and forwards! WHERE WAS MY CRUISE CUT???? I took my Avon hair cream and applied it to my bangs to “lengthen” them. I wrapped the rest of my hair around and clipped it behind my head. As I looked at my reflection in the mirror…I figured out the moral of this story is… “Always remember that wet hair is your friend”… followed by “WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?”
Write more later.
Rosie
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Terminix to the rescue!
We’ve had a problem with ants lately! I don’t mean the crazy little sugar ants. I’m talking about every species of ants that’s known to man! We’ve had medium sized black ants…tiny black ants, ghost ants AND the crazy little sugar ants! They were driving me nuts!!!!!!!! My kitchen is small so I have limited space to place things while I’m cooking other things. I couldn’t put anything down on the counter to finish another dish without worrying about the ants getting to my gourmet dishes. I was tired of balancing the warm bread on my head in a basket…holding the bowl of rice in my left hand as I tossed the salad with tongs between my teeth!!!!! I WAS ON A MISSION…THE ANTS WERE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!
I hobbled to Ace Hardware Hawaii and asked the guy what I should use to kill the ants. I had already tried Tero (which had killed any ants I’ve ever had in the past…but no luck!) I explained we have a cat and I didn’t want anything that would harm Fluffy. BUD MAYBE (THE DIRTY UGLY GOLDFISH…but not Fluffy).
“OH…you need this!” He leads me down the isle of insecticides to the glowing spray bottle of “BUG STOP INDOORS PLUS OUTDOORS”. Wow…$14 for a bottle of insecticide! If it meant the ants would be gone…I’d pay it!
“Just spray it where you see the ants and they’ll die on contact!” he said. Wish I had gotten his name… cause he’s a LIAR!
I went home with spray bottle in hand waiting for the invasion! I stood in the kitchen with “BUG STOP INDOORS PLUS OUTDOORS” in my hand ready to fire! In just a few minutes the army of ants began marching across my kitchen wall between the counter and the fridge. I AIMED AND FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE YOU SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!
I watched the spray shooting from the “gun” and striking the ants in motion. The spray is actually a heavy stream (which runs down the wall and I’ll have to clean it up so Fluffy doesn’t lick it!). I watch and wait for the ants to DIE! What was going on? Some of the ants were doing synchronized back strokes as others were running laps in the “pool”. I think I actually saw one do a perfect jack knife dive! They finished their “work out”…shook themselves dry and trailed back onto the kitchen counter!
“Honey, I don’t think this is going to work!” I called to Tom.
Thomas finally decided enough was enough. He was calling in the BIG GUNS! He called Terminix. We set up the earliest appointment we could with “Troy”. He would come to our home…evaluate and treat!
I waited for Troy to arrive to kill the demons. I pictured him walking in with a gas mask…large tank of compressed insecticide on his back and carrying an Uzi for back up!
The door bell rang I went to let Troy in.
OK…so he doesn’t have a gas mask! He doesn’t have a large tank of compressed insecticide on his back! HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN UZI!!!
He walked in with a syringe and a bag of ant “treats”! WE SIGNED A CONTRACT FOR THIS?
OK…he didn’t have a gas mask or an Uzi…put he had a CONTRACT!!!!!!
As Tom and Troy were going over the contract, I said “Troy, how many women work in your office?”
Tom rolled his eyes and said “Oh God!”
“About 10”, Troy replied.
“Would you mind taking some of my Avon brochures to the girls you work with?” I asked.
“That wouldn’t be a problem at all” he replied.
Troy treated the condo. His magic syringe had the ants crawling towards the droplets like bees to honey. This was so cool!!!!!!!!! All the different species joined together as one as they marched to the magic potion!
As he left, I said “Would you like the Avon books in a Safeway bag or Avon bag?”
“I’ll take the Safeway bag!”
Troy walks out of the condo carrying an empty syringe and a Safeway bag full of Avon books.
He had told us if we saw more than a few ants before his next scheduled appointment in October to just give him a call and he’d come back.
I called on Saturday. We still had a few ants. The number of ants had dropped so much that I could actually set the rice down as I tossed the salad with my teeth, but they were still driving me nuts.
The girl that answered the phone told us that Troy was really busy and she’d see when the soonest time was that she could work us in. “I have an appointment on Tuesday afternoon. Will that work for you?” I’M SICK OF THE ANTS…OF COURSE IT WOULD WORK!
“Did you see anything in the Avon books that you’d like to order?” I asked the girl on the phone.
“What Avon books? I didn’t get a book. I love Avon!”
“OK. I’ll make sure Troy brings you one this time”.
TROY BETTER COME WITH AN UZI NOW BECAUSE HE WASTED MY BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
On Tuesday, when the doorbell rang, I greeted Troy pleasantly. “Thanks so much for working us in! I’m so tired of these ants!!!!”
“Not a problem” Troy replied. “Did the ants go away completely and come back again?” he asked.
“No there have been a few survivors since the first treatment. They never went away completely.”
“Not a problem! We’ll take care of the rest!”
WOW…Troy’s really nice!!!!!!! He’s going to kill my ants!!! I’m soooooooo happy!
I glance at Troy as he pulls out a “contract”. The same “contract” he pulled out with Tom as he promised me he’d deliver my books!!!!!!!!!!
Something snapped inside me!!!!! My head spun around in circles…my eyes shot flames and I screamed in 7 different tongues…”YOU PROMISED ME YOU’D DELIVER MY BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GIRL WHO ANSWERED THE PHONE ON SATURDAY SAID SHE NEVER SAW ANY AVON BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!”
Troy pulled his “magic syringe” on me and said “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CRAZY LADY, I GAVE YOUR BOOKS TO JOELLE TO PASS OUT!”
OK…he gave me a name. Maybe I had “over reacted” a tad!
“I’m sorry Troy…but she really wants to see an Avon book! She told me she loooooooves Avon! Will you take some more books with you when you go?”
Troy looked hesitant (he knew he would be coming back for the scheduled appointment in October…and I guess he didn’t know what he’d face then!)
After hearing me speak in tongues…Troy once again replied “No problem.”
We walked through the condo and Troy used his “magic syringe” to treat the few places we had still seen ants.
As he filled out the contract for me to sign…I loaded a Safeway bag with Avon brochures for him to take to the girls in the office.
I signed the contract… scheduled our next appointment and handed him his Safeway bag full of books. WHAT A NICE GUY!!!!!
The moral of this story… Avon brochures are mightier than the “syringe”!
Rosie
I hobbled to Ace Hardware Hawaii and asked the guy what I should use to kill the ants. I had already tried Tero (which had killed any ants I’ve ever had in the past…but no luck!) I explained we have a cat and I didn’t want anything that would harm Fluffy. BUD MAYBE (THE DIRTY UGLY GOLDFISH…but not Fluffy).
“OH…you need this!” He leads me down the isle of insecticides to the glowing spray bottle of “BUG STOP INDOORS PLUS OUTDOORS”. Wow…$14 for a bottle of insecticide! If it meant the ants would be gone…I’d pay it!
“Just spray it where you see the ants and they’ll die on contact!” he said. Wish I had gotten his name… cause he’s a LIAR!
I went home with spray bottle in hand waiting for the invasion! I stood in the kitchen with “BUG STOP INDOORS PLUS OUTDOORS” in my hand ready to fire! In just a few minutes the army of ants began marching across my kitchen wall between the counter and the fridge. I AIMED AND FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE YOU SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!
I watched the spray shooting from the “gun” and striking the ants in motion. The spray is actually a heavy stream (which runs down the wall and I’ll have to clean it up so Fluffy doesn’t lick it!). I watch and wait for the ants to DIE! What was going on? Some of the ants were doing synchronized back strokes as others were running laps in the “pool”. I think I actually saw one do a perfect jack knife dive! They finished their “work out”…shook themselves dry and trailed back onto the kitchen counter!
“Honey, I don’t think this is going to work!” I called to Tom.
Thomas finally decided enough was enough. He was calling in the BIG GUNS! He called Terminix. We set up the earliest appointment we could with “Troy”. He would come to our home…evaluate and treat!
I waited for Troy to arrive to kill the demons. I pictured him walking in with a gas mask…large tank of compressed insecticide on his back and carrying an Uzi for back up!
The door bell rang I went to let Troy in.
OK…so he doesn’t have a gas mask! He doesn’t have a large tank of compressed insecticide on his back! HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN UZI!!!
He walked in with a syringe and a bag of ant “treats”! WE SIGNED A CONTRACT FOR THIS?
OK…he didn’t have a gas mask or an Uzi…put he had a CONTRACT!!!!!!
As Tom and Troy were going over the contract, I said “Troy, how many women work in your office?”
Tom rolled his eyes and said “Oh God!”
“About 10”, Troy replied.
“Would you mind taking some of my Avon brochures to the girls you work with?” I asked.
“That wouldn’t be a problem at all” he replied.
Troy treated the condo. His magic syringe had the ants crawling towards the droplets like bees to honey. This was so cool!!!!!!!!! All the different species joined together as one as they marched to the magic potion!
As he left, I said “Would you like the Avon books in a Safeway bag or Avon bag?”
“I’ll take the Safeway bag!”
Troy walks out of the condo carrying an empty syringe and a Safeway bag full of Avon books.
He had told us if we saw more than a few ants before his next scheduled appointment in October to just give him a call and he’d come back.
I called on Saturday. We still had a few ants. The number of ants had dropped so much that I could actually set the rice down as I tossed the salad with my teeth, but they were still driving me nuts.
The girl that answered the phone told us that Troy was really busy and she’d see when the soonest time was that she could work us in. “I have an appointment on Tuesday afternoon. Will that work for you?” I’M SICK OF THE ANTS…OF COURSE IT WOULD WORK!
“Did you see anything in the Avon books that you’d like to order?” I asked the girl on the phone.
“What Avon books? I didn’t get a book. I love Avon!”
“OK. I’ll make sure Troy brings you one this time”.
TROY BETTER COME WITH AN UZI NOW BECAUSE HE WASTED MY BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
On Tuesday, when the doorbell rang, I greeted Troy pleasantly. “Thanks so much for working us in! I’m so tired of these ants!!!!”
“Not a problem” Troy replied. “Did the ants go away completely and come back again?” he asked.
“No there have been a few survivors since the first treatment. They never went away completely.”
“Not a problem! We’ll take care of the rest!”
WOW…Troy’s really nice!!!!!!! He’s going to kill my ants!!! I’m soooooooo happy!
I glance at Troy as he pulls out a “contract”. The same “contract” he pulled out with Tom as he promised me he’d deliver my books!!!!!!!!!!
Something snapped inside me!!!!! My head spun around in circles…my eyes shot flames and I screamed in 7 different tongues…”YOU PROMISED ME YOU’D DELIVER MY BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GIRL WHO ANSWERED THE PHONE ON SATURDAY SAID SHE NEVER SAW ANY AVON BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!”
Troy pulled his “magic syringe” on me and said “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CRAZY LADY, I GAVE YOUR BOOKS TO JOELLE TO PASS OUT!”
OK…he gave me a name. Maybe I had “over reacted” a tad!
“I’m sorry Troy…but she really wants to see an Avon book! She told me she loooooooves Avon! Will you take some more books with you when you go?”
Troy looked hesitant (he knew he would be coming back for the scheduled appointment in October…and I guess he didn’t know what he’d face then!)
After hearing me speak in tongues…Troy once again replied “No problem.”
We walked through the condo and Troy used his “magic syringe” to treat the few places we had still seen ants.
As he filled out the contract for me to sign…I loaded a Safeway bag with Avon brochures for him to take to the girls in the office.
I signed the contract… scheduled our next appointment and handed him his Safeway bag full of books. WHAT A NICE GUY!!!!!
The moral of this story… Avon brochures are mightier than the “syringe”!
Rosie
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Preparing for a Colonoscopy
This story is actually about my friend Becky. She had this procedure last week and emailed me her account of events. She asked if I wanted to tweek it for her...so here goes. Remember the names have not been changed to protect the innocent!
DAY ONE OF COLONOSCOPY
WHEN TO DRINK MY FOUR LITERS??? Four liters doesn’t sound like a lot… but picture 2 TWO LITER BOTTLES OF SODA MIXED WITH ANOTHER LIQUID! (I’ve heard 7UP is highly recommended!) I’m trying to jiggle the time between clients and sitting on the toilet! NOW…HOW MUCH SHOULD I DRINK AND WHEN.... I DONT' WANT THE KIDS TO HAVE THERAPY OUTSIDE MY BATHROOM DOOR! I figured it out pretty well and stopped seeing clients by 5. At 5:02 I was on the toilet! Man…FAST CLEAN OUT! I know I wasn’t supposed to eat and I didn’t even want to eat food after the aromas coming from my “potty”! WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO EAT? HOW DISGUSTING!I finally sipped some beef broth and had another “poop juice and 7UP cocktail”. ONLY SIX MORE COCKTAILS TO GO!!! WHOOHOOOOOI was cleaned out by 6 and wondered why I had to finish this stuff? Following the Dr.’s orders… I had another “poop juice and 7UP cocktail”. I WILL NEVER HAVE 7UP AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I’M CRAVIN’ MY COKE!!!!!!!!!! What can it hurt? I’ll just cheat and have ½ a can!
I decided to watch a little TV and play video games. I’m at the point where Mario is about to save the princess and “Oi” (my dog) decides he’s better at saving Princesses than I am. He jumps onto my lap and grabs the controller! When he hits my lap it’s like a giant bubble grew in my stomach!
“Get down Oi…my stomach’s sore!!”
Oi (being the obedient dog that he is) jumps down. The bubble in my stomach bursts and “shishi” comes out my butt!!!!!!????
It’s all clear! They’ll never know I drank that ½ coke! The “butt shishi” finally stopped at 10…But I had about four more “cocktails” to go!!!!!!! THIS WAS NUTS!!!!!!! Being the rebel that I am, I had jello at 11 PM. BLUE JELLO...CAN'T HAVE RED…. DONT' LIKE GREEN OR ORANGE. PRETTY COLORS!!!!!!DAY TWO: SURGERY
I woke up the day of the surgery with BLUE (PRETTY BLUE) “BUTT SHISHI” still leaving my body!!!!!!!!
I decided if I was going to be running to the bathroom a lot and having a “bloated” stomach after the procedure…I’m dressing comfortably! I put on my favorite white sweats and headed out the door!I ran to the hospital at 5:45 AM and got in the lonnnnnng line. HOW COULD SO MANY PEOPLE BE HERE THIS EARLY?
You know that commercial that says “GOTTA GO…GOTTA GO …GOTTA GO RIGHT NOW!”… WELL, THAT WAS ME!!!!!!!!!!
I got out of line…lost my place... and ran to the bathroom!!! BLUE COLORED PANTIES NOW!!!!!!
I go back to the end of the line and feel “the Bubble” about to burst again!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I’M NOT LEAVING THIS LINE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
I give a “fake” cough to cover up any “fart sound” and feel blue liquid leaving my body. A small “pretty blue” paisley print appears on my favorite white sweats! I “cough” again… another “pretty blue” paisley print! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I’m so cleaned out by now that there’s no smell! I DON’T HAVE TO LOSE MY PLACE IN LINE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! People must think I have pneumonia as I cough and cough and cough!
As I’m making my way towards the front desk…people are saying to me…”I love your “pretty blue” paisley pants!!! Where’d you get them?”
WONDER IF I WILL POOP ALL BLUE FLUID IN THE OPERATING ROOM???????
WONDER IF THEY’LL NOTICE!!!!
THEY KNOCKED ME OUT WITH SOMETHING GOOD (WAY BETTER THAN MY “POOP JUICE COCKTAIL”)!
When I woke up they showed me my colon. IT WAS BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not just blue…”Pretty Blue!”I GUESS THEY REALLY NOTICED THE BLUE JELLO.
Now… when I was young I learned that if you drank enough Grape Kool Aid…your poop would turn green! Who would have thunk that if you even snuck ½ a can of Coke and mixed it with blue jello and “poop cocktail” that it would turn “pretty blue”?
They took out five polyps and I went home with a pretty blue colon picture! I FELT GREAT!!!!!!!!!! Man their medicine is good!!!
I felt sooooooooo good that I went to work and started to return my zillions of calls. I dialed the Social Worker’s number and as she answered the phone…I thought to myself… “Why is she calling me???? Doesn’t she know I just had a procedure and my colon is “pretty blue”?
“What do you mean you didn’t call me?” I asked the Social Worker. I explained I was on drugs…and she explained I will now be required to attend “rehab session” once a week!!!!!I
I was sooooo professional as I screamed into the phone “NOOOOOOOOO…I’m the REHAB person!!!! You can’t do that to me!”
They laughed and told me “BETTER SLEEP AND TAKE IT EASY AS THE DOCTOR SAID. NO WORKING TILL YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’VE DIALED A NUMBER OR WHEN YOUR PHONE ACTUALLY RINGS!”
The moral of the story… MAKE SURE U EAT BLUE JELLO AS YOUR COLON IS VERY PRETTY ON FILM !! This story also has another moral...preparing for a hurricane isn't as crappy as preparing for a colonoscopy!
Feel better Becky!
Talk to you soon
Rosie
DAY ONE OF COLONOSCOPY
WHEN TO DRINK MY FOUR LITERS??? Four liters doesn’t sound like a lot… but picture 2 TWO LITER BOTTLES OF SODA MIXED WITH ANOTHER LIQUID! (I’ve heard 7UP is highly recommended!) I’m trying to jiggle the time between clients and sitting on the toilet! NOW…HOW MUCH SHOULD I DRINK AND WHEN.... I DONT' WANT THE KIDS TO HAVE THERAPY OUTSIDE MY BATHROOM DOOR! I figured it out pretty well and stopped seeing clients by 5. At 5:02 I was on the toilet! Man…FAST CLEAN OUT! I know I wasn’t supposed to eat and I didn’t even want to eat food after the aromas coming from my “potty”! WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO EAT? HOW DISGUSTING!I finally sipped some beef broth and had another “poop juice and 7UP cocktail”. ONLY SIX MORE COCKTAILS TO GO!!! WHOOHOOOOOI was cleaned out by 6 and wondered why I had to finish this stuff? Following the Dr.’s orders… I had another “poop juice and 7UP cocktail”. I WILL NEVER HAVE 7UP AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I’M CRAVIN’ MY COKE!!!!!!!!!! What can it hurt? I’ll just cheat and have ½ a can!
I decided to watch a little TV and play video games. I’m at the point where Mario is about to save the princess and “Oi” (my dog) decides he’s better at saving Princesses than I am. He jumps onto my lap and grabs the controller! When he hits my lap it’s like a giant bubble grew in my stomach!
“Get down Oi…my stomach’s sore!!”
Oi (being the obedient dog that he is) jumps down. The bubble in my stomach bursts and “shishi” comes out my butt!!!!!!????
It’s all clear! They’ll never know I drank that ½ coke! The “butt shishi” finally stopped at 10…But I had about four more “cocktails” to go!!!!!!! THIS WAS NUTS!!!!!!! Being the rebel that I am, I had jello at 11 PM. BLUE JELLO...CAN'T HAVE RED…. DONT' LIKE GREEN OR ORANGE. PRETTY COLORS!!!!!!DAY TWO: SURGERY
I woke up the day of the surgery with BLUE (PRETTY BLUE) “BUTT SHISHI” still leaving my body!!!!!!!!
I decided if I was going to be running to the bathroom a lot and having a “bloated” stomach after the procedure…I’m dressing comfortably! I put on my favorite white sweats and headed out the door!I ran to the hospital at 5:45 AM and got in the lonnnnnng line. HOW COULD SO MANY PEOPLE BE HERE THIS EARLY?
You know that commercial that says “GOTTA GO…GOTTA GO …GOTTA GO RIGHT NOW!”… WELL, THAT WAS ME!!!!!!!!!!
I got out of line…lost my place... and ran to the bathroom!!! BLUE COLORED PANTIES NOW!!!!!!
I go back to the end of the line and feel “the Bubble” about to burst again!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I’M NOT LEAVING THIS LINE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
I give a “fake” cough to cover up any “fart sound” and feel blue liquid leaving my body. A small “pretty blue” paisley print appears on my favorite white sweats! I “cough” again… another “pretty blue” paisley print! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I’m so cleaned out by now that there’s no smell! I DON’T HAVE TO LOSE MY PLACE IN LINE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! People must think I have pneumonia as I cough and cough and cough!
As I’m making my way towards the front desk…people are saying to me…”I love your “pretty blue” paisley pants!!! Where’d you get them?”
WONDER IF I WILL POOP ALL BLUE FLUID IN THE OPERATING ROOM???????
WONDER IF THEY’LL NOTICE!!!!
THEY KNOCKED ME OUT WITH SOMETHING GOOD (WAY BETTER THAN MY “POOP JUICE COCKTAIL”)!
When I woke up they showed me my colon. IT WAS BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not just blue…”Pretty Blue!”I GUESS THEY REALLY NOTICED THE BLUE JELLO.
Now… when I was young I learned that if you drank enough Grape Kool Aid…your poop would turn green! Who would have thunk that if you even snuck ½ a can of Coke and mixed it with blue jello and “poop cocktail” that it would turn “pretty blue”?
They took out five polyps and I went home with a pretty blue colon picture! I FELT GREAT!!!!!!!!!! Man their medicine is good!!!
I felt sooooooooo good that I went to work and started to return my zillions of calls. I dialed the Social Worker’s number and as she answered the phone…I thought to myself… “Why is she calling me???? Doesn’t she know I just had a procedure and my colon is “pretty blue”?
“What do you mean you didn’t call me?” I asked the Social Worker. I explained I was on drugs…and she explained I will now be required to attend “rehab session” once a week!!!!!I
I was sooooo professional as I screamed into the phone “NOOOOOOOOO…I’m the REHAB person!!!! You can’t do that to me!”
They laughed and told me “BETTER SLEEP AND TAKE IT EASY AS THE DOCTOR SAID. NO WORKING TILL YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’VE DIALED A NUMBER OR WHEN YOUR PHONE ACTUALLY RINGS!”
The moral of the story… MAKE SURE U EAT BLUE JELLO AS YOUR COLON IS VERY PRETTY ON FILM !! This story also has another moral...preparing for a hurricane isn't as crappy as preparing for a colonoscopy!
Feel better Becky!
Talk to you soon
Rosie
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Preparing for Hurrican Felicia
Tom has a weather alert system on his computer called STORM PULSE. A few weeks ago an alert popped up about Hurricane Felicia and Tom called out from the office, "Babe, we've got a big storm on the way. We need to check the emergency kit."
I ran into the office to look at the alert. All I could think about was we had about a week to get ready for Felicia and I was going to get a day off from work! I got on my computer and goggled "Hurricane Emergency Kits". I printed out the two page list and we went out to the storage container to check our supplies.
Well, it had been a couple of years since we had checked and updated supplies. What would we find in the container? I DON'T LIKE THINGS THAT CREEP AND CRAWL! Living in Hawaii, we're "blessed" with so many different types of lizards and insects. As much as I HATE Hawaii's roaches...I'd much rather find one of them than a gecko! I mean, I'll spray a roach with Avon hair spray and stop it in it's tracks in a heart beat! I just can't do that to a gecko. All I can do when an "iguana" appears is call out to Michael to catch it as I stand on the dining room table (crouched down so my head doesn't hit the ceiling fan!) until he takes it outside. SOOOOOOOOO...I was casually leaning against the railing on the lanai (at least 10 feet away) as Tom opened the lid of the emergency container.
He pulled out my first neatly labeled "sub" container. The label read... LARGE FLASHLIGHT... LANTERN... SMALL CHARCOAL GRILL...TONGS... CAN OPENER... EMERGENCY CAT LITTER PAN. Man I'm good! Everything was in place and ready for Felicia.
Tom pulled out my second "sub" container".
"MICHAEL...bring me gloves, a putty knife with a telescoping handle and a sterile mask!" We read the neatly labeled "sub" container... TOILET PAPER... PAPER TOWELS... STERILE WIPES. Everything was in place and also covered in gecko and roach poop! Can the critters really read? Did they actually "use the bathroom"...wipe...then sanitize?
"Michael...bring a large black garbage bag!" As we tossed all the items into the large black garbage bag, I thought to myself, "We still have time to replace the ruined items!" We strapped down the lanai furniture with industrial bungee cords (that actually had gears that tightened). We were getting ready for Felicia! All I had to do was email Tom the Costco list for the hurricane!
Those of you that know Tom, know that he is the "Costco King". When a Costco opened just blocks away from Tom's office, he camped out for three days. It was almost as if The Beatles were performing! If there is any such thing as a "Costco Groupie"..Tom is one of them; so I wasn't really worried about replacing any crappy items.
I made a Costco list and emailed it to Tom. It included water, paper towels, toilet paper and wipes.
Tom called the house when he was about 5 minutes away. "Have Michael bring "THE CART" down and meet me in the parking lot. Now "THE CART" (which was purchased at Costco) is a heavy duty, flat bed savior on wheels! It can carry up to 5,000 lbs. of stacked goods without even breaking a sweat! When Tom and Michael wheeled the supplies in; not only had he replaced the crappy stuff...he had three cases of water, two cases of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup (we don't even like chicken noodle soup), 1 case of Spam, six flashlights, a "green" lantern, 800 batteries, a 5,000 piece set of plastic cutlery, 600 paper plates and a 50 lb. container of Tang! We were ready for Felicia!
Felicia was a category 3 storm now! I was so excited! I was going to get a day off! Would she hit on Tuesday or Wednesday??? I needed to keep the girls at work posted! Tom had all this high technoligy stuff; so I needed to let them know what was going on. I went on Storm Pulse to check. I got even more excited!!!!!!!!!!!! "Felicia is now a Category 4 hurricane. Felicia is moving N NW at 14 miles per hour and with sustained winds of 120 MPH." OK...what does that mean? Are we going to be off Tuesday or Wednesday? I clicked on the detailed map. At 2 PM on Wednesday it looked like the most concentrated part of the storm was on us. OK...that meant we'd be off on Wednesday. Tom pointed out that the area in front that looked like a huge cylinder would actually hit us first. OK...that meant we'd be off on Tuesday! WHY ISN'T THERE A WEATHER ALERT THAT SAYS..."Winds will begin to pick up at 2:14 on Tuesday followed by flooding at 8:05 of Wednesday."? I went to work on Monday feeling confident with my forecast.
"We're going to be off tomorrow! Storm Pulse says that we're going to start feeling the effects of the storm tomorrow and the strongest part will be Wednesday!" We were all so excited!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone planned their shopping trips to Costco to purchase their Felicia items.
As we ate lunch on that Monday, we looked out the windows at the sky. Everything was pretty clear!? I knew it could happen quickly! A napkin on the table fluttered! Were the winds kicking up? We all held our breath! The skies remained clear and we all went home hoping for rain and winds!
As soon as I got home, I ran into the office to check Storm Pulse. "Hurricane Felicia continues as a Category 4 hurricane. Felicia continues to move N NW at 14 miles per hour with increased sustained winds of 135 MPH." YIPPEEEEEEE! She's getting stronger! I ran out to the lanai to look at the sky. Blue skies and small patches of gray clouds...gray clouds were a good sign!
I called Janelle (now nick named Stormy) to see what the weather was like in town. "It's a little gray and it's drizzling every now and then...but nothing big." IT WAS DRIZZLING! THAT'S HOW THE HURRICANES BEGIN!
I ran inside to check Storm Pulse again. "Hurricane Felicia has now been downgraded to a tropical storm". NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I already had plans for Wednesday!
"Felicia is expected to keep dissipating as it moves closer to Hawaii's coast". NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have two cases of chicken noodle soup!
When I got up on Tuesday morning to the sound of birds chirping and blue skies; I ran in to check Storm Pulse.
"Felicia has now been downgraded to a tropical depression. Hawaii can expect some heavy rains at times and some gusty winds."
WHY CAN'T YOU SAY "HAWAII CAN EXPECT A DAY OFF"????????????
I got ready for work with a heavy heart and a can of chicken noodle soup for lunch. My co-workers glared at me as I walked in. As I looked around the office, I started feeling a little bit better. Everyone was having "Costco size" canned chicken noodle soup for lunch!
I ran into the office to look at the alert. All I could think about was we had about a week to get ready for Felicia and I was going to get a day off from work! I got on my computer and goggled "Hurricane Emergency Kits". I printed out the two page list and we went out to the storage container to check our supplies.
Well, it had been a couple of years since we had checked and updated supplies. What would we find in the container? I DON'T LIKE THINGS THAT CREEP AND CRAWL! Living in Hawaii, we're "blessed" with so many different types of lizards and insects. As much as I HATE Hawaii's roaches...I'd much rather find one of them than a gecko! I mean, I'll spray a roach with Avon hair spray and stop it in it's tracks in a heart beat! I just can't do that to a gecko. All I can do when an "iguana" appears is call out to Michael to catch it as I stand on the dining room table (crouched down so my head doesn't hit the ceiling fan!) until he takes it outside. SOOOOOOOOO...I was casually leaning against the railing on the lanai (at least 10 feet away) as Tom opened the lid of the emergency container.
He pulled out my first neatly labeled "sub" container. The label read... LARGE FLASHLIGHT... LANTERN... SMALL CHARCOAL GRILL...TONGS... CAN OPENER... EMERGENCY CAT LITTER PAN. Man I'm good! Everything was in place and ready for Felicia.
Tom pulled out my second "sub" container".
"MICHAEL...bring me gloves, a putty knife with a telescoping handle and a sterile mask!" We read the neatly labeled "sub" container... TOILET PAPER... PAPER TOWELS... STERILE WIPES. Everything was in place and also covered in gecko and roach poop! Can the critters really read? Did they actually "use the bathroom"...wipe...then sanitize?
"Michael...bring a large black garbage bag!" As we tossed all the items into the large black garbage bag, I thought to myself, "We still have time to replace the ruined items!" We strapped down the lanai furniture with industrial bungee cords (that actually had gears that tightened). We were getting ready for Felicia! All I had to do was email Tom the Costco list for the hurricane!
Those of you that know Tom, know that he is the "Costco King". When a Costco opened just blocks away from Tom's office, he camped out for three days. It was almost as if The Beatles were performing! If there is any such thing as a "Costco Groupie"..Tom is one of them; so I wasn't really worried about replacing any crappy items.
I made a Costco list and emailed it to Tom. It included water, paper towels, toilet paper and wipes.
Tom called the house when he was about 5 minutes away. "Have Michael bring "THE CART" down and meet me in the parking lot. Now "THE CART" (which was purchased at Costco) is a heavy duty, flat bed savior on wheels! It can carry up to 5,000 lbs. of stacked goods without even breaking a sweat! When Tom and Michael wheeled the supplies in; not only had he replaced the crappy stuff...he had three cases of water, two cases of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup (we don't even like chicken noodle soup), 1 case of Spam, six flashlights, a "green" lantern, 800 batteries, a 5,000 piece set of plastic cutlery, 600 paper plates and a 50 lb. container of Tang! We were ready for Felicia!
Felicia was a category 3 storm now! I was so excited! I was going to get a day off! Would she hit on Tuesday or Wednesday??? I needed to keep the girls at work posted! Tom had all this high technoligy stuff; so I needed to let them know what was going on. I went on Storm Pulse to check. I got even more excited!!!!!!!!!!!! "Felicia is now a Category 4 hurricane. Felicia is moving N NW at 14 miles per hour and with sustained winds of 120 MPH." OK...what does that mean? Are we going to be off Tuesday or Wednesday? I clicked on the detailed map. At 2 PM on Wednesday it looked like the most concentrated part of the storm was on us. OK...that meant we'd be off on Wednesday. Tom pointed out that the area in front that looked like a huge cylinder would actually hit us first. OK...that meant we'd be off on Tuesday! WHY ISN'T THERE A WEATHER ALERT THAT SAYS..."Winds will begin to pick up at 2:14 on Tuesday followed by flooding at 8:05 of Wednesday."? I went to work on Monday feeling confident with my forecast.
"We're going to be off tomorrow! Storm Pulse says that we're going to start feeling the effects of the storm tomorrow and the strongest part will be Wednesday!" We were all so excited!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone planned their shopping trips to Costco to purchase their Felicia items.
As we ate lunch on that Monday, we looked out the windows at the sky. Everything was pretty clear!? I knew it could happen quickly! A napkin on the table fluttered! Were the winds kicking up? We all held our breath! The skies remained clear and we all went home hoping for rain and winds!
As soon as I got home, I ran into the office to check Storm Pulse. "Hurricane Felicia continues as a Category 4 hurricane. Felicia continues to move N NW at 14 miles per hour with increased sustained winds of 135 MPH." YIPPEEEEEEE! She's getting stronger! I ran out to the lanai to look at the sky. Blue skies and small patches of gray clouds...gray clouds were a good sign!
I called Janelle (now nick named Stormy) to see what the weather was like in town. "It's a little gray and it's drizzling every now and then...but nothing big." IT WAS DRIZZLING! THAT'S HOW THE HURRICANES BEGIN!
I ran inside to check Storm Pulse again. "Hurricane Felicia has now been downgraded to a tropical storm". NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I already had plans for Wednesday!
"Felicia is expected to keep dissipating as it moves closer to Hawaii's coast". NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have two cases of chicken noodle soup!
When I got up on Tuesday morning to the sound of birds chirping and blue skies; I ran in to check Storm Pulse.
"Felicia has now been downgraded to a tropical depression. Hawaii can expect some heavy rains at times and some gusty winds."
WHY CAN'T YOU SAY "HAWAII CAN EXPECT A DAY OFF"????????????
I got ready for work with a heavy heart and a can of chicken noodle soup for lunch. My co-workers glared at me as I walked in. As I looked around the office, I started feeling a little bit better. Everyone was having "Costco size" canned chicken noodle soup for lunch!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
My Flippin Foot
I woke up at 2:47 AM last Sunday with my "Flippin' Foot" itching and burning! What was wrong now? I knew it couldn't be my "re-aligned" toe because it was elevated and stabilized! Without opening my eyes, I drowsily scratched the elevated itch. I waited for a few seconds and scratched again. "Did something bite me during the night?" I thought about Mel (AKA SLAG) and the centipede she found in her bed. I didn't want to open my eyes and find one...so I scratched once more and drifted off to sleep again. At 3:16 the burning and itching woke me again. Once again (without opening my eyes), I scratched the elevated itch. I scratched and scratched until my fingers were numb! I fell back to sleep and woke up at 5:30.
"Tom must still be on Seattle time", I thought to myself when I got out of bed. He was already awake.
I walked past the office to get my morning coffee (secretly missing the air mattress).
"Good morning, honey. How'd you sleep?" I asked.
"I slept great!" Thomas said. "How did YOU sleep?"
"Not so good! My arch of my "FLIPPIN" foot is burning and itching! I think something bit me during the night."
I hobbled out to the kitchen...got my coffee...and decided to look at my foot. Well...it's red and swollen and still itching and tender. I was about to ask Tom to "take a look"; but decided to wait and see how it felt as I started moving around. I then looked at my nails. My scratching during the night had totally worn off my Avon Mauve Madness nail polish!!!!!!!! I’d rather have "red, swollen and itching" feet than a bad manicure!
Today was Avon delivery day. My orders were coming in. I had an "emergency" delivery to make to a guy who was going to leave for the mainland at 11:00 and an appointment with a new Avon Representative at 11:45 (welcome Melelani!). I kept hobbling to the door and peeking through the peep hole to see if Larry (my delivery guy) had delivered yet.
I was on a tight schedule; so I decided to shower early so I'd be ready for my delivery and appointment. After showering, I put on my cute little "appointment" dress and went into the living room.
"Honey, something’s really wrong with my "FLIPPIN" foot. It's still burning and itching! I’m not sure if something bit me or not." I sprayed on the Avon anti- itch spray and waited for the pain to go away. Now this stuff is good... but no luck!
"Let me take a look at it", Tom says. "Michael, bring my glasses and a flashlight!" Tom's sitting in his reclining chair and directs me to lie on the couch. Now I'm laying on the couch (in my cute little "appointment" dress) with my feet facing the outside lanai door. I prop my foot up on the arm of the couch for Tom to "take a look". Even as a child... I never had dreams of being an acrobat or tight rope walker... but as I lay there on the couch...Tom lifted my leg so high in the air I felt like I was suspended from one of the swinging ladders that the Gambini Twins would use! My cute little "appointment" dress rose up my legs and my star spangled underwear was on display for my family (and any neighbors who happened to be outside my lanai window) to see!
I was filled with embarrassment...but Tom was so focused on his mission of relieving the "evil" in my foot; that he didn't seem to notice! "Michael...bring me my knife, peroxide and duct tape!"
OK...I'LL BITE!!
"Honey, what do you need the duct tape for?" I ask. By now, I just want to get this over with and pull my skirt down so badly that I don't even care about the knife!
"If I can't get whatever is in there out...the duct tape will pull it out."
OK...I'll only go so far!!!!! I have toes that have been stabilized for six weeks and one "VERY dirty bootie" and a bad manicure at this point! BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT DUCT TAPE!
"Honey, don't you think we can use adhesive tape instead?"
He pulls the knife out and leans towards my foot! "DON'T CUT MY FOOT!" I screamed.
"I'm not! I’m only going to graze it." Now if my name were Bessie (and I was a cow), I think I'd feel much better about this! Tom leans towards me with the knife and begins to "graze".
"I'm only getting clear liquid! I know there's something in there! Just be still!"
Every time I twitched, he said "you're such a girlie girl!"
"HELLO... I have on my cute little "appointment" dress...what do you expect?"
The knife doesn't work so he calls out, "Michael, bring a needle!" Michael comes out with a 4" long 2"wide darning needle and proceeds to go onto the lanai to "sterilize" it with a match. Now keep in mind...these matches have been in the emergency kit for the past two years! He's striking and striking...and not a spark! He finally gave up and brought the needle inside and gave it to Tom. "Don't poke it straight in!!!!!!!!"
"I'm not...I’m only going to graze it!"
Tom looks at me from his "ROCKING" recliner chair...glasses perched on his nose...4" long needle in hand with the flash light pointed at a 90 degree angle wedged between his neck and chin. I'm looking at him looking at me and I don't even care anymore that my "star spangled" undies are on public display! JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!!!!!!!!!!!
He "grazes" and pokes...nothing!
"I know there's something in there...let's just put the tape on in and wait and see what happens in the morning."
As I hobble back to bed (with silver tape on my foot) I'm thinking "I need to call the real doctor in the morning." I just want to be able to wear a pair of shoes again! I can't wait to sit on the torture table at the doctors and at least have my foot numb before the poking and grazing begins.
If there were a moral to this story...the moral would have to be...if you're going to "moon" the neighbors and your family...make sure you have on "star spangled underwear!"
Happy Labor Day!
Rosie
"Tom must still be on Seattle time", I thought to myself when I got out of bed. He was already awake.
I walked past the office to get my morning coffee (secretly missing the air mattress).
"Good morning, honey. How'd you sleep?" I asked.
"I slept great!" Thomas said. "How did YOU sleep?"
"Not so good! My arch of my "FLIPPIN" foot is burning and itching! I think something bit me during the night."
I hobbled out to the kitchen...got my coffee...and decided to look at my foot. Well...it's red and swollen and still itching and tender. I was about to ask Tom to "take a look"; but decided to wait and see how it felt as I started moving around. I then looked at my nails. My scratching during the night had totally worn off my Avon Mauve Madness nail polish!!!!!!!! I’d rather have "red, swollen and itching" feet than a bad manicure!
Today was Avon delivery day. My orders were coming in. I had an "emergency" delivery to make to a guy who was going to leave for the mainland at 11:00 and an appointment with a new Avon Representative at 11:45 (welcome Melelani!). I kept hobbling to the door and peeking through the peep hole to see if Larry (my delivery guy) had delivered yet.
I was on a tight schedule; so I decided to shower early so I'd be ready for my delivery and appointment. After showering, I put on my cute little "appointment" dress and went into the living room.
"Honey, something’s really wrong with my "FLIPPIN" foot. It's still burning and itching! I’m not sure if something bit me or not." I sprayed on the Avon anti- itch spray and waited for the pain to go away. Now this stuff is good... but no luck!
"Let me take a look at it", Tom says. "Michael, bring my glasses and a flashlight!" Tom's sitting in his reclining chair and directs me to lie on the couch. Now I'm laying on the couch (in my cute little "appointment" dress) with my feet facing the outside lanai door. I prop my foot up on the arm of the couch for Tom to "take a look". Even as a child... I never had dreams of being an acrobat or tight rope walker... but as I lay there on the couch...Tom lifted my leg so high in the air I felt like I was suspended from one of the swinging ladders that the Gambini Twins would use! My cute little "appointment" dress rose up my legs and my star spangled underwear was on display for my family (and any neighbors who happened to be outside my lanai window) to see!
I was filled with embarrassment...but Tom was so focused on his mission of relieving the "evil" in my foot; that he didn't seem to notice! "Michael...bring me my knife, peroxide and duct tape!"
OK...I'LL BITE!!
"Honey, what do you need the duct tape for?" I ask. By now, I just want to get this over with and pull my skirt down so badly that I don't even care about the knife!
"If I can't get whatever is in there out...the duct tape will pull it out."
OK...I'll only go so far!!!!! I have toes that have been stabilized for six weeks and one "VERY dirty bootie" and a bad manicure at this point! BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT DUCT TAPE!
"Honey, don't you think we can use adhesive tape instead?"
He pulls the knife out and leans towards my foot! "DON'T CUT MY FOOT!" I screamed.
"I'm not! I’m only going to graze it." Now if my name were Bessie (and I was a cow), I think I'd feel much better about this! Tom leans towards me with the knife and begins to "graze".
"I'm only getting clear liquid! I know there's something in there! Just be still!"
Every time I twitched, he said "you're such a girlie girl!"
"HELLO... I have on my cute little "appointment" dress...what do you expect?"
The knife doesn't work so he calls out, "Michael, bring a needle!" Michael comes out with a 4" long 2"wide darning needle and proceeds to go onto the lanai to "sterilize" it with a match. Now keep in mind...these matches have been in the emergency kit for the past two years! He's striking and striking...and not a spark! He finally gave up and brought the needle inside and gave it to Tom. "Don't poke it straight in!!!!!!!!"
"I'm not...I’m only going to graze it!"
Tom looks at me from his "ROCKING" recliner chair...glasses perched on his nose...4" long needle in hand with the flash light pointed at a 90 degree angle wedged between his neck and chin. I'm looking at him looking at me and I don't even care anymore that my "star spangled" undies are on public display! JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!!!!!!!!!!!
He "grazes" and pokes...nothing!
"I know there's something in there...let's just put the tape on in and wait and see what happens in the morning."
As I hobble back to bed (with silver tape on my foot) I'm thinking "I need to call the real doctor in the morning." I just want to be able to wear a pair of shoes again! I can't wait to sit on the torture table at the doctors and at least have my foot numb before the poking and grazing begins.
If there were a moral to this story...the moral would have to be...if you're going to "moon" the neighbors and your family...make sure you have on "star spangled underwear!"
Happy Labor Day!
Rosie
A True Inspiration!
I have to warn you ahead of time…this is not a funny story! I'm going to tell you a story that I think will move you as much as I was moved!
This morning I went on an appointment to sign up a visually impaired young woman as a New Avon Representative. I was nervous about going to her house alone so I took Michael. I wasn't nervous about the fact she was blind...I was nervous about the fact that she might really be a serial killer luring me into a trap. (OK...sometimes I'm psycho!)
When we arrived I called her cell number so she could buzz the locked gate to let us into the units. As we waited (by the wrong gate) a little girl came out (probably about 8 years old). She looked at us then went back behind the locked gate on the other side of the building. Michael and I walked over to the gate she had disappeared behind. Soon she came running back out and asked if I was looking for Kristen. I told her I was; so she opened the gate and let us in. The whole way to the apartment, she kept calling out, "Mom...Mom...the lady is here!"
We entered a small apartment that was filled with mouth watering smells! A man was in the kitchen cooking. He had his back to me as I said, "Hi. I’m Rosie with Avon and this is my son Michael." Focusing on his task at hand (cooking a delicious meal) he said "Nice to meet you. I'm Shel", with his back still turned. Michael and I were in the living room and the little girl ran over to move her doll and blanket off the couch so I could sit down. In a few minutes a lovely young lady walked into the room. I went up to her and introduced myself and asked her if she wanted to sit by me on the couch. She sat down and we began talking about Avon. I asked her "What brought you to Avon?" She told me she had sold Mary Kay years ago and done pretty well with it. She had heard the commercials for Avon and felt it was something she should try.
I began my appointment by pulling "the folder" out of her new Avon bag. As I began talking to her I realized I had to change the way I conducted her appointment. Instead of pointing at a picture (like I did with all of you) and saying "This is Sue etc. etc. etc."; I had to conduct her appointment with absolutely no visuals. As I got to the point in the appointment where I talk about your brochure being your store...I realized she had never seen an Avon book before! I opened the brochure and told her what her customers would see on certain pages and some of the specials Avon was running. She would interject a "wow!" every now and then. As I got to the jewelry section, I took her hand and let her feel my necklace as I described it to her. I told her what color the stones were and let her touch my matching earrings. "Wow, they're pretty!" she said. I opened the book to a scented page so she could rub her wrist and smell what her customers would smell. She was really impressed with the brochures.
Shel had finished cleaning the kitchen and came in to sit on the living room floor facing me. He listened as I began to fill out Kristen's contract. When I got to the section for the social security number; I asked Kristen, "Do you feel comfortable telling me your social security number for the contract?" (As you already know, I usually give the contract back to the new rep at that point and let them fill in their own information.)
"Are you sure you're really with Avon?", she asked as she smiled. At that point, I shoved the book towards Shel. "Will you please tell her I'm really Avon. Look...Avon is written everywhere!" Shel smiled but said nothing.
"Shel, she doesn't realize you’re blind too! She was talking to you!" Kristen said. Oh MY God! I could not believe it! Both Kristen and Shel were blind. I had thought when I first walked in that he would be the one to key in her orders on the computer. We talked about ways that we could make accommodations for her to be successful in Avon. She will be calling in her orders by phone. She has a voice recorder that she can talk into to record the information.
Now was the point where I'm supposed to show her what's in her bag. I pulled out a brochure and turned it over. I took her hand and placed it on the bottom right hand side of the book, explaining this was where her name, phone number and date would go. "Selena", I called. The little girl came running out of the bedroom adjusting her hearing aids. “I want to show you where your mom's information will go on the book.” I showed her the bright green delivery schedule and explained to her if she was going to help her Mom date the books to date them one day before the order was due. I showed her where the campaign number was on the front of the book. I then took the contract and showed Selena her mom's account number. "Any time she calls Avon to place an order, she'll need to put this number in."
I took out my cell phone and put it on speaker phone. "I'm going to call Avon so you can hear what it's going to sound like when you call." Kristen, Shel and Selena listened as Avon prompted me for what they needed next.
Kristen seemed a little overwhelmed with all the information I had just shared, but also excited to give Avon a try! I took her hand and guided her to the line on the contract for her to sign. I explained to her where I had put all of her materials and told her about the sales meeting this Thursday.
"Shel, get the recorder and put the address and time in so I can call Handi Van". I gave Shel the information and he entered it into her recorder.
Kristen will be at the sales meeting this week and I can't wait for all of you to meet her! What an inspiration! What an incredible family. Two visually impaired adults and a hearing impaired child who has had to become "grown up" at such an early age.
I know there will be many things that Kristen will need to become successful with Avon. I know we're all willing to do what we can to help her meet her goals.
I came home and ordered a free rubber stamp for her from Vista Print, so Selena will only have to write the date.
There are times where all of us have probably made excuses for why we didn't do so great in a certain campaign. I've done it myself but I also realize that's exactly what they are...excuses. Close your eyes...put your hands over your ears and try to do your business. This is what Kristen will face; but I guarantee you she will do her very best and not make any excuses.
Talk to you soon.
Rosie
This morning I went on an appointment to sign up a visually impaired young woman as a New Avon Representative. I was nervous about going to her house alone so I took Michael. I wasn't nervous about the fact she was blind...I was nervous about the fact that she might really be a serial killer luring me into a trap. (OK...sometimes I'm psycho!)
When we arrived I called her cell number so she could buzz the locked gate to let us into the units. As we waited (by the wrong gate) a little girl came out (probably about 8 years old). She looked at us then went back behind the locked gate on the other side of the building. Michael and I walked over to the gate she had disappeared behind. Soon she came running back out and asked if I was looking for Kristen. I told her I was; so she opened the gate and let us in. The whole way to the apartment, she kept calling out, "Mom...Mom...the lady is here!"
We entered a small apartment that was filled with mouth watering smells! A man was in the kitchen cooking. He had his back to me as I said, "Hi. I’m Rosie with Avon and this is my son Michael." Focusing on his task at hand (cooking a delicious meal) he said "Nice to meet you. I'm Shel", with his back still turned. Michael and I were in the living room and the little girl ran over to move her doll and blanket off the couch so I could sit down. In a few minutes a lovely young lady walked into the room. I went up to her and introduced myself and asked her if she wanted to sit by me on the couch. She sat down and we began talking about Avon. I asked her "What brought you to Avon?" She told me she had sold Mary Kay years ago and done pretty well with it. She had heard the commercials for Avon and felt it was something she should try.
I began my appointment by pulling "the folder" out of her new Avon bag. As I began talking to her I realized I had to change the way I conducted her appointment. Instead of pointing at a picture (like I did with all of you) and saying "This is Sue etc. etc. etc."; I had to conduct her appointment with absolutely no visuals. As I got to the point in the appointment where I talk about your brochure being your store...I realized she had never seen an Avon book before! I opened the brochure and told her what her customers would see on certain pages and some of the specials Avon was running. She would interject a "wow!" every now and then. As I got to the jewelry section, I took her hand and let her feel my necklace as I described it to her. I told her what color the stones were and let her touch my matching earrings. "Wow, they're pretty!" she said. I opened the book to a scented page so she could rub her wrist and smell what her customers would smell. She was really impressed with the brochures.
Shel had finished cleaning the kitchen and came in to sit on the living room floor facing me. He listened as I began to fill out Kristen's contract. When I got to the section for the social security number; I asked Kristen, "Do you feel comfortable telling me your social security number for the contract?" (As you already know, I usually give the contract back to the new rep at that point and let them fill in their own information.)
"Are you sure you're really with Avon?", she asked as she smiled. At that point, I shoved the book towards Shel. "Will you please tell her I'm really Avon. Look...Avon is written everywhere!" Shel smiled but said nothing.
"Shel, she doesn't realize you’re blind too! She was talking to you!" Kristen said. Oh MY God! I could not believe it! Both Kristen and Shel were blind. I had thought when I first walked in that he would be the one to key in her orders on the computer. We talked about ways that we could make accommodations for her to be successful in Avon. She will be calling in her orders by phone. She has a voice recorder that she can talk into to record the information.
Now was the point where I'm supposed to show her what's in her bag. I pulled out a brochure and turned it over. I took her hand and placed it on the bottom right hand side of the book, explaining this was where her name, phone number and date would go. "Selena", I called. The little girl came running out of the bedroom adjusting her hearing aids. “I want to show you where your mom's information will go on the book.” I showed her the bright green delivery schedule and explained to her if she was going to help her Mom date the books to date them one day before the order was due. I showed her where the campaign number was on the front of the book. I then took the contract and showed Selena her mom's account number. "Any time she calls Avon to place an order, she'll need to put this number in."
I took out my cell phone and put it on speaker phone. "I'm going to call Avon so you can hear what it's going to sound like when you call." Kristen, Shel and Selena listened as Avon prompted me for what they needed next.
Kristen seemed a little overwhelmed with all the information I had just shared, but also excited to give Avon a try! I took her hand and guided her to the line on the contract for her to sign. I explained to her where I had put all of her materials and told her about the sales meeting this Thursday.
"Shel, get the recorder and put the address and time in so I can call Handi Van". I gave Shel the information and he entered it into her recorder.
Kristen will be at the sales meeting this week and I can't wait for all of you to meet her! What an inspiration! What an incredible family. Two visually impaired adults and a hearing impaired child who has had to become "grown up" at such an early age.
I know there will be many things that Kristen will need to become successful with Avon. I know we're all willing to do what we can to help her meet her goals.
I came home and ordered a free rubber stamp for her from Vista Print, so Selena will only have to write the date.
There are times where all of us have probably made excuses for why we didn't do so great in a certain campaign. I've done it myself but I also realize that's exactly what they are...excuses. Close your eyes...put your hands over your ears and try to do your business. This is what Kristen will face; but I guarantee you she will do her very best and not make any excuses.
Talk to you soon.
Rosie
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Adventures of The Avon Lady Continue
The Swine Flu overshadowed any broken bones I suffered. That is...for everyone but me! Last week, as I hobbled into the office (wincing in pain) for lunch, dragging my dirty bootie behind me, I thought to myself, "OK...shouldn't my poor toe be feeling a little better by now? It's been a month! Shouldn't my toe be pointing North by now instead of the top joint pointing due East and the bottom pointing South West? I called my doctor who had done the follow up visit on my foot. "My toe doesn't seem to be doing any better ", I told the nurse. "It's not any better at all?" Lana asked.
"Nope... AND on top of that; there's a really sore spot on the bottom of my foot from my bootie." "We can work you in on Tuesday when Michael comes for his Sports Physical." Not too bad, I thought ...only a few days away.
When we walked into the Dr.'s office, Michael was more concerned about his appointment than I was. Unlike the Swine Flu test (where Michael didn't know what was coming), he had previously had a Sports Physical and knew exactly what was involved. HE WAS DREADING COUGHING! The girls in the office and I had discussed what possible reason there could for making an important part of a man's physical... grabbing a guys family jewels and making him cough on command. There were many theories; but we finally concluded it was to guage their reaction time...by seeing how long it took their face to turn RED...then Green...then Blue! Whatever the purpose was; Michael was dreading it.
He was called back first. Shortly after I heard a scream then sobbing! Was that Michael??? Had the Dr. ruined any chances of him blessing me with more grandchildren??? A woman walked back through the waiting room carrying a crying child. Thank God! The family jewels were still intact!
Finally Lana called me back. Now the first thing Lana always does is weigh me. This time she said, "No need to weigh you for a toe." COME ON!!!! I've lost enough weight from the flu to actually fit into my pigmy clothes; and you're not going to weigh me? YOU'VE WEIGHED ME FOR SPLIT ENDS BEFORE...AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WEIGH ME NOW?? That just didn't seem fair! She took my temp and blood pressure...but did she weigh me? NO!
"The doctor will be in shortly."
The doctor hurried into the room (she always hurries) and said, "Oh you poor thing! You're toes not getting any better? Let's take a look and see what's going on." As she removed my dirty bootie and the wrapping that I carefully stabilized my toes with every morning; I thought to myself...WAIT A MINUTE! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SHE'S EVEN LOOKED AT MY FOOT! When I went for my follow up appointment, she was so concerned with the fact that I was sick...she didn't even look at my foot! SHE HADN'T BEEN CONCERNED ABOUT THE FACT I WAS SICK AT ALL...she just didn't have an instrument long enough to remove my bootie and wrapping while still maintaining the 6' Swine Flu distance! This was all her fault! If she had just checked my foot at my follow up...she would have immediately seen what the problem was!
"Oh my...it's really swollen! Let's get an xray and compare it to the ones from the hospital." Isn't that special... their xray department was open! If it had been opened on Saturdays...I wouldn't have suffered the Swine Flu! I had the xray and waited for the verdict.
"Ok...it's just as I expected. Take a look at this." (Comparing the two xrays) "Your fracture has shifted." That didn't sound good! "I'm setting up an appointment with a specialist in the morning. He'll probably have to "re-align" your toe and shave the growth off the bottom of your foot. Don't worry. He'll numb you first and you won't feel a thing!"
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I DON'T LIKE PAIN...I DON'T LIKE NEEDLES AND I DON'T LIKE SHAVING!!!!!!!!!!! CAN'T SHE JUST GRAB MY BOOBS AND COMMAND ME TO COUGH INSTEAD???
I didn't get much sleep that night wondering what diabolical devices the doctor would use to "re-align" my toe and shave the bottom of my foot!
As I was led into the "torture chamber" the next morning; the nurse said (as they always do), "The doctor will be in shortly."
The first thing you notice in the office is the "table??????" The table looks like an overgrown straight back chair that appeared to be made of a mixture of concrete and hard plastic. Had they acidentally placed me in a room for posture therapy? I decided to look around while I waited. The cabinets that held the supplies had glass doors...so it wasn't as though I was actually "snooping". The first cabinet held an industrial spray can of "NU SKIN". harmless... we have that at home. That's reassuring! Next to it was a jar of rubber cement...harmless. Kids used to sniff that in elementary school My pulse is beginning to slow down to normal and my fears are fading away! I hobble to the next cabinet. On the top shelf is an electric grinder (the kind my mechanic uses). That doesn't look good! On the shelf below it is a small circular saw with a vacumn hose attached! My heart races! IS THAT WHAT HE'S GOING TO USE TO SHAVE MY FOOT??
I hear an evil laugh outside the door and the doctor enters. He looks down at my foot and says "Nice wrapping!"
"Thank you."
"The only problem is you're wrapping them wrong. You see...when your foot moves your big toe moves. By taping your "pointer" toe to your big toe you've aggrivated the problem. Each step you took, with your toes taped together the way they're taped, contributed to the fracture shifting." WHAT!!! You've got to be kidding me!!!!!! The toes that I so carefully "stabilized" each morning?? It's not the doctor's fault after all! (Well not completely.) The hospital shares the blame! If the xray department hadn't been closed on Saturdays (the Dr.'s fault)...then I wouldn't have gone to the ER where I caught the Swine Flu AND had been instructed in how to "stabilize" my toes WRONG! (Hospital's fault)
To make a short story long...the details of what followed are not really clear. I was so nervous about what was going to happen...that I didn't really focus on what was actually happening. He did numb my foot and shaved it with a surgical blade (no saw with a vacumn attached), modified my bottie for style and comfort and set up an appointment for another xray in three weeks.
I guess the moral of this story is...It's better to cough than shave any day!
"Nope... AND on top of that; there's a really sore spot on the bottom of my foot from my bootie." "We can work you in on Tuesday when Michael comes for his Sports Physical." Not too bad, I thought ...only a few days away.
When we walked into the Dr.'s office, Michael was more concerned about his appointment than I was. Unlike the Swine Flu test (where Michael didn't know what was coming), he had previously had a Sports Physical and knew exactly what was involved. HE WAS DREADING COUGHING! The girls in the office and I had discussed what possible reason there could for making an important part of a man's physical... grabbing a guys family jewels and making him cough on command. There were many theories; but we finally concluded it was to guage their reaction time...by seeing how long it took their face to turn RED...then Green...then Blue! Whatever the purpose was; Michael was dreading it.
He was called back first. Shortly after I heard a scream then sobbing! Was that Michael??? Had the Dr. ruined any chances of him blessing me with more grandchildren??? A woman walked back through the waiting room carrying a crying child. Thank God! The family jewels were still intact!
Finally Lana called me back. Now the first thing Lana always does is weigh me. This time she said, "No need to weigh you for a toe." COME ON!!!! I've lost enough weight from the flu to actually fit into my pigmy clothes; and you're not going to weigh me? YOU'VE WEIGHED ME FOR SPLIT ENDS BEFORE...AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WEIGH ME NOW?? That just didn't seem fair! She took my temp and blood pressure...but did she weigh me? NO!
"The doctor will be in shortly."
The doctor hurried into the room (she always hurries) and said, "Oh you poor thing! You're toes not getting any better? Let's take a look and see what's going on." As she removed my dirty bootie and the wrapping that I carefully stabilized my toes with every morning; I thought to myself...WAIT A MINUTE! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SHE'S EVEN LOOKED AT MY FOOT! When I went for my follow up appointment, she was so concerned with the fact that I was sick...she didn't even look at my foot! SHE HADN'T BEEN CONCERNED ABOUT THE FACT I WAS SICK AT ALL...she just didn't have an instrument long enough to remove my bootie and wrapping while still maintaining the 6' Swine Flu distance! This was all her fault! If she had just checked my foot at my follow up...she would have immediately seen what the problem was!
"Oh my...it's really swollen! Let's get an xray and compare it to the ones from the hospital." Isn't that special... their xray department was open! If it had been opened on Saturdays...I wouldn't have suffered the Swine Flu! I had the xray and waited for the verdict.
"Ok...it's just as I expected. Take a look at this." (Comparing the two xrays) "Your fracture has shifted." That didn't sound good! "I'm setting up an appointment with a specialist in the morning. He'll probably have to "re-align" your toe and shave the growth off the bottom of your foot. Don't worry. He'll numb you first and you won't feel a thing!"
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I DON'T LIKE PAIN...I DON'T LIKE NEEDLES AND I DON'T LIKE SHAVING!!!!!!!!!!! CAN'T SHE JUST GRAB MY BOOBS AND COMMAND ME TO COUGH INSTEAD???
I didn't get much sleep that night wondering what diabolical devices the doctor would use to "re-align" my toe and shave the bottom of my foot!
As I was led into the "torture chamber" the next morning; the nurse said (as they always do), "The doctor will be in shortly."
The first thing you notice in the office is the "table??????" The table looks like an overgrown straight back chair that appeared to be made of a mixture of concrete and hard plastic. Had they acidentally placed me in a room for posture therapy? I decided to look around while I waited. The cabinets that held the supplies had glass doors...so it wasn't as though I was actually "snooping". The first cabinet held an industrial spray can of "NU SKIN". harmless... we have that at home. That's reassuring! Next to it was a jar of rubber cement...harmless. Kids used to sniff that in elementary school My pulse is beginning to slow down to normal and my fears are fading away! I hobble to the next cabinet. On the top shelf is an electric grinder (the kind my mechanic uses). That doesn't look good! On the shelf below it is a small circular saw with a vacumn hose attached! My heart races! IS THAT WHAT HE'S GOING TO USE TO SHAVE MY FOOT??
I hear an evil laugh outside the door and the doctor enters. He looks down at my foot and says "Nice wrapping!"
"Thank you."
"The only problem is you're wrapping them wrong. You see...when your foot moves your big toe moves. By taping your "pointer" toe to your big toe you've aggrivated the problem. Each step you took, with your toes taped together the way they're taped, contributed to the fracture shifting." WHAT!!! You've got to be kidding me!!!!!! The toes that I so carefully "stabilized" each morning?? It's not the doctor's fault after all! (Well not completely.) The hospital shares the blame! If the xray department hadn't been closed on Saturdays (the Dr.'s fault)...then I wouldn't have gone to the ER where I caught the Swine Flu AND had been instructed in how to "stabilize" my toes WRONG! (Hospital's fault)
To make a short story long...the details of what followed are not really clear. I was so nervous about what was going to happen...that I didn't really focus on what was actually happening. He did numb my foot and shaved it with a surgical blade (no saw with a vacumn attached), modified my bottie for style and comfort and set up an appointment for another xray in three weeks.
I guess the moral of this story is...It's better to cough than shave any day!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
For those of you who don't know (and I don't know how that could be possible...I'VE TOLD EVERYONE!), I recently earned a cruise through Avon. I was so excited when I realized I was going to go on a Carribean cruise! I've never been on a cruise but, have heard nothing but good. While the contest was going on, I told all of my customers what I was working for. I wanted to let all of the people who had ordered from me during those campaigns know that I had achieved my goal and find out what kind of "tropical treat" they'd like me to bring back to them.
Well...I went to deliver to Betty. Betty is a beautiful 82 year old woman. From the second you meet her, you become a member of the family and are addressed as "Dear". "Now Dear, tell me how I use this product." She is a doll!
When I told Betty that I had earned the cruise her response was, "Well, Dear, that's wonderful! You need to go to Savers and find some clothes to take on the cruise!"
"What an awesome idea, Betty!"
"How does Thursday at 9 AM sound?"
WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Did I just make a date with Betty to go to Savers and look for clothes for my cruise? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Of all the things on my "to do" list during the summer...that was not one of them. I hadn't even cleaned my refrigerator yet (and that was #3 on the list)!
Well, there was no was I was going to back out on my big day with Betty. I called her on Wednesday evening to confirm.
"Dear, I'm so happy to hear from you. I'm just so disappointed that my friend Barbara can't go with us. I invited her; but her husband is ill. It'll just be you and me. Are you going to drive?"
"You bet I am. I'll be there at 9." I don't even like riding with people that can see and hear...I'm certainly going to drive!
I pulled into Betty's driveway at 9AM and pretended to be invisible to her large ferocious looking dog (that she says wouldn't hurt a flea). I rang the bell. No one answered. I knocked on the door. No one answered. I dialed her number from my cell standing at her front door. I heard the phone ringing inside...but no one answered! Do I have the wrong day? NO...I called last night. Is something wrong with Betty? Did her "friendly" dog attack her and she's lying in a pool of blood unable to answer the phone or the door? I walked back to my car and got in. What should I do? I decided to call her one last time before leaving to go back home to clean the refrigerator.
Ring...ring...ring. "Hello."
"Betty, I'm hear."
"Come on in Dear the door is open."
I walked in the front door and Betty met me with 2 bags in her hands. "Savers gives you $3 off if you donate something. I have something for me and something for you! I hope Barbara remembers to bring her own."
"Barbara?"
"Oh, Dear, praise the Lord! My friend Barbara who I told you wasn't going to be able to come is going to come with us!"
"Are we meeting her there or is she driving?"
"Oh, Dear, we're picking her up. She's on the way. She lives in Nuuana."
OK...I've never been to Nuuana before...I've never been to Savers before... but, I have my GPS (Maggie) who has Savers' address plugged in...so we'll find it. We get in the car with our donations for Savers. I plug in Maggie and put on my bluetooth headset.
"Betty, this will tell us exactly how to get to Savers if you can tell me how to get to Barbara's."
"Oh course I can, Dear!"
We're driving down the road chatting about our children when Maggie says, "approaching left turn on Kailua Road".
Betty looked at me in wonder!
"It tells me when to turn and how far it is till the next turn!"
"That's amazing, Dear!"
We continue talking and Maggie gives her next direction. Betty pauses and lets Maggie speak. We begin chatting again and my bluetooth rings in my ear. "I'm sorry Betty I have to answer this."
Now...Maggie is talking to me...I'm talking to air and Betty is looking dumbfounded.
"I'm sorry, Betty. Is Maggie too loud?"
"No, Dear. I just don't know when to talk. I don't know when you're talking to me. You're so HI Tech."
That knocked the wind out of me! How rude could I be? "Betty, do you know how to get to Savers?"
"Oh course I do, Dear! I go the third Thusday of every month. It's tag day!"
I turned my phone on slient and turned Maggie off. We picked up Barbara and proceded to Savers.
Betty was on a mission to find clothes for my cruise! She picked out clothes for me with precision and purpose! She picked out clothes that ranged from what I could wear if I ever made an appearance on "Soul Train"...to calf length hemmed, 3/4 length sleeved, shoulder padded jackets that I could have worn on The Love Boat! I let her put each item that she thought was cruicial to my wardrobe in the cart. I mean, I had a week to return them!
"Do you want to try them on, Dear?"
"No...I'll take them all. Thanks for helping me!"
After leaving Savers, Barbara and Betty asked me if I had time to go to "The Bin". "What's the bin?", I asked.
"It's this huge warehouse that belongs to the Salvation Army. All their surplus items are sent there. Every hour they load the bins with boxes full of items. You have to wait for the whistle to blow then you have 15 minutes to look through the bins before they throw everything into dumpsters and reload the bins!"
WOW...Why didn't I think of something like that? I could have made a million with the stuff in my fridge!
"OK. I have a little time; let's go!"
They directed me down a seedy alley and told me to park near the entrance. We walked through a hot maze to get into "the bin". Hundreds of people were beginning to push forward to three bins full of soon to be discarded items. What treasures would we find? In one of the bins that was open, I spied THE PERFECT SHOE! OH MY GOD! It was adorable! I started pushing too! Get out of the way!!!! That's MY shoe! I yanked the shoe out of the bin and started digging to find the matching shoe. Where was it? It was nowhere to be found! I began digging in the bin next to it when Barbara (who was next to me) said, "What a cute shoe!" "I know...but I can't find the other!" "It's probably in the next batch. Just pull it out and wait."
The next batch? The whistle wasn't going to blow for at least 13 minutes! I don't have time to wait! I threw the lonely shoe back into the bin...destined for the dumpster.
We left shortly after that. I dropped off Barbara and took Betty home. I helped Betty carry her treasures into her house and thanked her again for helping me get ready for my cruise. I don't recall how long it's been since I've had such an unusual and rewarding day! I had one "dear" woman who was helping dress me for a cruise and made another "dear" friend.
I think the moral of this story is...when life gives you hearing aids...turn off all other electronic devices and listen!
Rosie
PS Within days I tested positive for the Swine Flu and never made it back to Savers to return the clothes. I now have a closet full of shoulder pads!
Well...I went to deliver to Betty. Betty is a beautiful 82 year old woman. From the second you meet her, you become a member of the family and are addressed as "Dear". "Now Dear, tell me how I use this product." She is a doll!
When I told Betty that I had earned the cruise her response was, "Well, Dear, that's wonderful! You need to go to Savers and find some clothes to take on the cruise!"
"What an awesome idea, Betty!"
"How does Thursday at 9 AM sound?"
WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Did I just make a date with Betty to go to Savers and look for clothes for my cruise? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Of all the things on my "to do" list during the summer...that was not one of them. I hadn't even cleaned my refrigerator yet (and that was #3 on the list)!
Well, there was no was I was going to back out on my big day with Betty. I called her on Wednesday evening to confirm.
"Dear, I'm so happy to hear from you. I'm just so disappointed that my friend Barbara can't go with us. I invited her; but her husband is ill. It'll just be you and me. Are you going to drive?"
"You bet I am. I'll be there at 9." I don't even like riding with people that can see and hear...I'm certainly going to drive!
I pulled into Betty's driveway at 9AM and pretended to be invisible to her large ferocious looking dog (that she says wouldn't hurt a flea). I rang the bell. No one answered. I knocked on the door. No one answered. I dialed her number from my cell standing at her front door. I heard the phone ringing inside...but no one answered! Do I have the wrong day? NO...I called last night. Is something wrong with Betty? Did her "friendly" dog attack her and she's lying in a pool of blood unable to answer the phone or the door? I walked back to my car and got in. What should I do? I decided to call her one last time before leaving to go back home to clean the refrigerator.
Ring...ring...ring. "Hello."
"Betty, I'm hear."
"Come on in Dear the door is open."
I walked in the front door and Betty met me with 2 bags in her hands. "Savers gives you $3 off if you donate something. I have something for me and something for you! I hope Barbara remembers to bring her own."
"Barbara?"
"Oh, Dear, praise the Lord! My friend Barbara who I told you wasn't going to be able to come is going to come with us!"
"Are we meeting her there or is she driving?"
"Oh, Dear, we're picking her up. She's on the way. She lives in Nuuana."
OK...I've never been to Nuuana before...I've never been to Savers before... but, I have my GPS (Maggie) who has Savers' address plugged in...so we'll find it. We get in the car with our donations for Savers. I plug in Maggie and put on my bluetooth headset.
"Betty, this will tell us exactly how to get to Savers if you can tell me how to get to Barbara's."
"Oh course I can, Dear!"
We're driving down the road chatting about our children when Maggie says, "approaching left turn on Kailua Road".
Betty looked at me in wonder!
"It tells me when to turn and how far it is till the next turn!"
"That's amazing, Dear!"
We continue talking and Maggie gives her next direction. Betty pauses and lets Maggie speak. We begin chatting again and my bluetooth rings in my ear. "I'm sorry Betty I have to answer this."
Now...Maggie is talking to me...I'm talking to air and Betty is looking dumbfounded.
"I'm sorry, Betty. Is Maggie too loud?"
"No, Dear. I just don't know when to talk. I don't know when you're talking to me. You're so HI Tech."
That knocked the wind out of me! How rude could I be? "Betty, do you know how to get to Savers?"
"Oh course I do, Dear! I go the third Thusday of every month. It's tag day!"
I turned my phone on slient and turned Maggie off. We picked up Barbara and proceded to Savers.
Betty was on a mission to find clothes for my cruise! She picked out clothes for me with precision and purpose! She picked out clothes that ranged from what I could wear if I ever made an appearance on "Soul Train"...to calf length hemmed, 3/4 length sleeved, shoulder padded jackets that I could have worn on The Love Boat! I let her put each item that she thought was cruicial to my wardrobe in the cart. I mean, I had a week to return them!
"Do you want to try them on, Dear?"
"No...I'll take them all. Thanks for helping me!"
After leaving Savers, Barbara and Betty asked me if I had time to go to "The Bin". "What's the bin?", I asked.
"It's this huge warehouse that belongs to the Salvation Army. All their surplus items are sent there. Every hour they load the bins with boxes full of items. You have to wait for the whistle to blow then you have 15 minutes to look through the bins before they throw everything into dumpsters and reload the bins!"
WOW...Why didn't I think of something like that? I could have made a million with the stuff in my fridge!
"OK. I have a little time; let's go!"
They directed me down a seedy alley and told me to park near the entrance. We walked through a hot maze to get into "the bin". Hundreds of people were beginning to push forward to three bins full of soon to be discarded items. What treasures would we find? In one of the bins that was open, I spied THE PERFECT SHOE! OH MY GOD! It was adorable! I started pushing too! Get out of the way!!!! That's MY shoe! I yanked the shoe out of the bin and started digging to find the matching shoe. Where was it? It was nowhere to be found! I began digging in the bin next to it when Barbara (who was next to me) said, "What a cute shoe!" "I know...but I can't find the other!" "It's probably in the next batch. Just pull it out and wait."
The next batch? The whistle wasn't going to blow for at least 13 minutes! I don't have time to wait! I threw the lonely shoe back into the bin...destined for the dumpster.
We left shortly after that. I dropped off Barbara and took Betty home. I helped Betty carry her treasures into her house and thanked her again for helping me get ready for my cruise. I don't recall how long it's been since I've had such an unusual and rewarding day! I had one "dear" woman who was helping dress me for a cruise and made another "dear" friend.
I think the moral of this story is...when life gives you hearing aids...turn off all other electronic devices and listen!
Rosie
PS Within days I tested positive for the Swine Flu and never made it back to Savers to return the clothes. I now have a closet full of shoulder pads!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Day 5 of Captivity...The Swine Flue Season Finale
Day 5 of Captivity...almost the end...or so I thought! I woke up realizing I only had 1 more day of Sterile masks and gloves! I couldn't wait to be free! I knew I had to follow my filthy swine routine one last time. I rolled out of bed. Sterile Mask? CHECK... Sterile Gloves?...CHECK...one dirty bootie? CHECK! I was ready for the day. I gingerly hobbled down the hall to get my coffee. "GOOD MORNING, Air Mattress!" Nothing could dampen my spirits. After my walk of shame yesterday...today would be a walk in the park! I enjoyed my coffee as I brushed my light golden brown (loreal #456) hair. I decided to let Michael sleep in for a bit to give me a break. I sipped my coffee while playing my hand held Yahtzee (thanks Slag!). All too soon, Michael was up. As he ate breakfast, I decided to try to tidy up a bit. I put away the dice from Bunko last Friday and started unloading the cooler that was hiding behind the air mattress. What was that noise? ACHOOOOO! ACHOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOO! "MOM...YOU MADE ME SICK!!!!!!!!!!" Oh no! Could germs possibly have survived and carried in this STERILE household? "Calm down, Michael. It's probably just allergies! Take a Sudefed and see what happens!" ACHOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOO! "MOM, YOU MADE ME SICK AND I'M GOING TO MISS THE WHOLE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL!" Now to my brilliant son that doesn't mean, "Oh no...what's going to happen to college selections? OH NO...I'm going to miss a whole week of academics!" No... to him it means, "THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO GET TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS!" OMG...what would his friends do without him for a whole week? The Sudefed kicked in and the sneezing and coughing stopped. Thank God! Now...I could get ready for my final Day of Captivity. I turned off the shower to ACHOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOO! "MOM...IT'S NOT WORKING! YOU MADE ME SICK!" OK...calm down and call Straub. See what they have to say. Dripping wet in the bathroom, I pick up the contaminated phone (still stained from my Loreal glove) and dialed Straub. Ellen (one of the darlings at the front desk) asks, "Does he have a fever?" "No." I replied. "I didn't have a fever in the beginning either. My flu began with sneezing and coughing." Ellen says, "Bring him in at 3:30". AHCOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOO! "OK...we'll be there!" I am feeling so much guilt! How could I have given my son the flu? I had been so careful and so STERILE! Now, not only did this mean Michael might have the Swine Flu... even worse... it meant I would have to leave the house again wearing a mask! The whispers and the stares could be more deadly than the flu. As we were leaving I grabbed my "travel size" Purell and told Michael to put on a mask . "I'M NOT GOING TO LOOK LIKE A FREAK!" "Michael, you're walking with a freak! Put on the mask!". While checking in, I tell Kathrina (another darling at the desk) "I feel like a freak!" "Don't worry about it. You're not the only one who wears a mask in here." Funny, I don't see anyone else wearing a mask. All I see are people staring at us and trying to mold themselves deeper into their seats. The entire time we're waiting for Michael to be called back (sitting by ourselves and not making eye contact); I hear constant grumbling in my left ear.."I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME SICK! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO MISS MY FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL! GOOD JOB, MOM!!!". Well, by now my guilt is turning to irritation. Did he think I wanted to make him sick? Didn't he know I tried to keep him and Tom healthy? We both were anxious for him to be tested. Little did he know what the test involved...and I didn't tell him! As the doctor removed the 19" long swab from the STERILE wrapping, he looked at Michael and said, "This goes up your nose." Michael (being a cocky teenager) asks, "Will it go all the way up and punture my brain?" HMM...Maybe, I thought! As sixteen inches of the 19" swab dissapeared up Michael's nostril...his body was lifted an equal amount from the table! His eyes rolled back in his head and his feet twitched! It was like watching an incredibly sick magic trick! WHAT WOULD THE DOCTOR PULL OUT OF HIS NOSE? Ten minutes was all it took to get the negative results. As we were leaving the Dr. asked me how long it had been since I had a fever. "I don't know...a couple of days." "You can take off the mask. You're OK to be around people now." "Are you sure? I don't want to make anyone sick." "You're fine." As we're driving home, I remove my Sterile mask for the last time. We walk towards the elevator and run into Cynthia (my friend who hung medicine on my front door). When she saw me WITHOUT my mask, she backed away! Go figure! Looks like I can scare all the people all the time!
Can't wait to see you guys again! Many of you have called or sent emails saying you're glad I'm getting better...but don't want the updates to stop. Even though this is the Swine Flu Season Finale... join my site and stay tuned for more Adventures of the Avon Lady at http://rosiez-survivingtheswinefluwithhumor.blogspot.com/
Rosie
Can't wait to see you guys again! Many of you have called or sent emails saying you're glad I'm getting better...but don't want the updates to stop. Even though this is the Swine Flu Season Finale... join my site and stay tuned for more Adventures of the Avon Lady at http://rosiez-survivingtheswinefluwithhumor.blogspot.com/
Rosie
Friday, July 31, 2009
The Avon Lady Surviving Swine Flu Day 4 of Captivity
Day 4. The sun was coming up and I opened my eyes. I waited for my head to start hurting...then realized the headache was gone...but what was that smell? It seemed so familiar; but I couldn't quite place it. I sniffed the sheets...I sniffed the phone...I sniffed my water bottle. (No...I didn't sniff my bootie!) All of a sudden it hit me...STERILE! I am sooooo sick of STERILE! On the nightstand...one large pump of Purell! On the dresser...one large container of Clorex wipes! On the bathroom counter...one extra large spray bottle of Lysol with bleach! EVERYTHING IS STERILE! I got out of bed. Put on my sterile mask, snapped on my sterile gloves and slipped on one dirty bootie. I just knew when I hobbled down the hall to the kitchen to get my coffee...the air mattress would be waiting and smiling at me propped up against the dining room table! I poured my coffee; wiped the coffee pot handle and counter with a STERILE Clorex wipe and walked away.
No headache...and I could breathe! I may have forgotten to mention that I woke up on Day 3 with a fever blister the size of Rhode Island. My dear friend, Cynthia, was willing to go to the store and leave fever blister medicine hanging on my front door. (I'm pretty sure she used a pole and hung it from 6 feet away!) It helped some...but I needed the big guns. I waited till 8 to call the Dr. to find out when I could step foot outside the house. Now, I was sure that my question for my Dr. was just as important to her as it was to me...so I waited with my contaminated phone in hand (yes, it's marked with green tape and it's the only phone I'm allowed to use). 8:30 no return call. 9:00 no return call. Impatient and in need of something that didn't smell fresh, I decided to color my hair. I figured I'd have 25 minutes to let the color set and I'd certainly hear back from my doctor within that time frame. I hobbled back to the "sick person" bathroom; slipped off my STERILE gloves, slipped on my other gloves (provided by Loreal) and proceded to mix the color. I was bent over sideways trying to cover the gray over my ears when the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and realized it was my Dr. I set down the bottle and still bending over sideways answered the phone with my Loreal gloved hand. Christy, the nurse, is very polite and calm as she tells me that if my fever has been gone for more than 24 hours, I can take a short trip with a STERILE mask and a bottle of hand sanitizer. She reminds me that "this thing" is very contagious and please be very cautious. I hang up the phone with a singing heart! Not only am I going to be allowed to step out of the "sick person" room...I'm going outside! YIPPEE! I finished my hair...took my shower...put on a little AVON lady makeup and got dressed. I was thrilled! I was going to the store! I grabbed the beautiful "travel size" bottle of Purell...snapped on my chic Sterile gloves and opened the front door. There was a lilt in my hobble as I made my way to the elevator!
I stepped into the store's parking lot with a smile behind my sterile mask! As I walked to the front of the store, I noticed people staring at me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the window and saw what they saw! One dirty bootie and one STERILE MASK! OH MY GOD...I was one of them! You know...the people you've seen in the store or PO who are wearing a surgical mask and refuse to make eye contact! Now, whenever I've seen them on my outings in the past; I'd think to myself, "What are they afraid of? Do they think they're better than my germs?" Is that what they were thinking as they stared at me? I grabbed a cart and hobbled into the store. People stepped away as I approached. (Maybe I should try this at Costco...people never move out of the way). Small children stared and whispered as I passed. I quickly shopped (avoiding eye contact) and rushed to the check out line. As I'm in line...I feel the need to explain to the cashier why I'm wearing a STERILE mask and a bootie. Of course, I couldn't tell her I have the Swine Flu; so I just paid and avoided eye contact. I hobbled to the car with a heavy heart! MY glorious outing had turned into a trip of shame. I walked in my front door...slipped off my dirty bootie and hugged the air mattress. This STERILE invironment suddenly smelled pretty good!
Rosie
No headache...and I could breathe! I may have forgotten to mention that I woke up on Day 3 with a fever blister the size of Rhode Island. My dear friend, Cynthia, was willing to go to the store and leave fever blister medicine hanging on my front door. (I'm pretty sure she used a pole and hung it from 6 feet away!) It helped some...but I needed the big guns. I waited till 8 to call the Dr. to find out when I could step foot outside the house. Now, I was sure that my question for my Dr. was just as important to her as it was to me...so I waited with my contaminated phone in hand (yes, it's marked with green tape and it's the only phone I'm allowed to use). 8:30 no return call. 9:00 no return call. Impatient and in need of something that didn't smell fresh, I decided to color my hair. I figured I'd have 25 minutes to let the color set and I'd certainly hear back from my doctor within that time frame. I hobbled back to the "sick person" bathroom; slipped off my STERILE gloves, slipped on my other gloves (provided by Loreal) and proceded to mix the color. I was bent over sideways trying to cover the gray over my ears when the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and realized it was my Dr. I set down the bottle and still bending over sideways answered the phone with my Loreal gloved hand. Christy, the nurse, is very polite and calm as she tells me that if my fever has been gone for more than 24 hours, I can take a short trip with a STERILE mask and a bottle of hand sanitizer. She reminds me that "this thing" is very contagious and please be very cautious. I hang up the phone with a singing heart! Not only am I going to be allowed to step out of the "sick person" room...I'm going outside! YIPPEE! I finished my hair...took my shower...put on a little AVON lady makeup and got dressed. I was thrilled! I was going to the store! I grabbed the beautiful "travel size" bottle of Purell...snapped on my chic Sterile gloves and opened the front door. There was a lilt in my hobble as I made my way to the elevator!
I stepped into the store's parking lot with a smile behind my sterile mask! As I walked to the front of the store, I noticed people staring at me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the window and saw what they saw! One dirty bootie and one STERILE MASK! OH MY GOD...I was one of them! You know...the people you've seen in the store or PO who are wearing a surgical mask and refuse to make eye contact! Now, whenever I've seen them on my outings in the past; I'd think to myself, "What are they afraid of? Do they think they're better than my germs?" Is that what they were thinking as they stared at me? I grabbed a cart and hobbled into the store. People stepped away as I approached. (Maybe I should try this at Costco...people never move out of the way). Small children stared and whispered as I passed. I quickly shopped (avoiding eye contact) and rushed to the check out line. As I'm in line...I feel the need to explain to the cashier why I'm wearing a STERILE mask and a bootie. Of course, I couldn't tell her I have the Swine Flu; so I just paid and avoided eye contact. I hobbled to the car with a heavy heart! MY glorious outing had turned into a trip of shame. I walked in my front door...slipped off my dirty bootie and hugged the air mattress. This STERILE invironment suddenly smelled pretty good!
Rosie
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Avon Lady Surviving Swine Flu Day 3 of Captivity
Day 3 I wake up with just a slight headache. At least my head doesn't feel like it weighs 50 pounds anymore. I follow my rountine. Roll out of bed, put on my mask, slip on my bootie and snap on my gloves. Still hobble down the hall to get my coffee. Say "good morning" to the air mattress.
I enjoy my coffee without my mask before waking Michael. For the past few days, Michael has had plans to go to the mall with some friends. Usually that involves me driving. Well...guess who can't go anywhere? Immediately after opening his eyes, Michael says,
"Oh crap, it's mall day. Can I still go?" I reminded him I couldn't drive and asked him how he was going to get there. The texting began. A few minutes later he told me that he could ride with KAT. "Who's driving", I ask. "Her Mom is driving the truck." "Does that mean you'll be riding in the back?" "No, I think they have a back seat." Alrighty then. I realize I don't have any cash to give Michael to go to the mall. I dug through my purse (and sorry Diana) gave Michael $15 in quarters. (See Pearl...I carry more than Avon brochures in my bag!) As soon as we finished counting the coins...Michael says "I have to go...they're here!" Away he goes. I walk out onto the lanai as they pull away and see MICHAEL AND KAT RIDING IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK! Now this is when the Swine Flu left my head and went straight to the umbilicle cord! What could I do? He was going to be thrown from the back of the truck and I couldn't do anything to stop it! My blood pressure rose and my mind raced. "Calm down", I said to myself. Give him 25 minutes to get to the mall or be thrown from the truck then text him. I watched the clock...hello...I didn't have anything else to do! 25 minutes after he left...I texted "R U there yet". Reply..."No. We're waiting for Kat's friend to get ready. He's driving us. Don't worry...he's 22." DON'T WORRY? OF COURSE I'M NOT GOING TO WORRY! I mean, my 15 year old son is out with a 17 year old girl named KAT being driven to the mall by a 22 year old that I have never met! What's to worry about?! I did the only logical thing and called Tom. "Honey, can you pick up Michael from the Mall after you get off work?" Those of you that know Tom well; know that he basically lacks fear of anything...however...he does have a healthy fear of Swine Flu victims. "Sure I can. I'll just stop and pick up dinner on the way home from the mall. You just figure out what you'd like and I'll make it happen." (At least that's what it sounded like to me.) Now I love cooking but I hate deciding what to fix for dinner. It's no different when it's take out. I kept thinking of restaurants between the Mall and home and tried to figure out what the guys would want as much as I did. "Moons over my hammy" finally came to mind. Melted cheese, scrambled eggs and ham between golden brown grilled bread with hash browns. Finally...something without peanut butter! I told Tom since they were at the Mall already; they should eat there then just bring mine home. I closed my eyes and pictured the gooey cheese, fluffy eggs and warm sweet ham. The phone rang and interrupted my dream. "Honey...we're at IHOP...they don't have "Moons over my hammy! The waitress said that's Denny's". Disappointment as thick as peanut butter filled my veins! "Let me look at the menu on line and I'll call you back." IHOP...I DON'T WANT IHOP! I scrolled through the menu and finally called Tom back deciding to settle for a sampler. NO FLUFFY EGGS, NO WARM SWEET HAM AND NO GOOEY CHEESE! I wiped the tears from my eyes (then burned the tissuse) as I waited for my dinner. Tom and Michael arrived with "Moons over my hammy"! They went the extra mile with their labor of love. My heroes. (At least that's what I think happened!)
Will write more later.
Rosie
I enjoy my coffee without my mask before waking Michael. For the past few days, Michael has had plans to go to the mall with some friends. Usually that involves me driving. Well...guess who can't go anywhere? Immediately after opening his eyes, Michael says,
"Oh crap, it's mall day. Can I still go?" I reminded him I couldn't drive and asked him how he was going to get there. The texting began. A few minutes later he told me that he could ride with KAT. "Who's driving", I ask. "Her Mom is driving the truck." "Does that mean you'll be riding in the back?" "No, I think they have a back seat." Alrighty then. I realize I don't have any cash to give Michael to go to the mall. I dug through my purse (and sorry Diana) gave Michael $15 in quarters. (See Pearl...I carry more than Avon brochures in my bag!) As soon as we finished counting the coins...Michael says "I have to go...they're here!" Away he goes. I walk out onto the lanai as they pull away and see MICHAEL AND KAT RIDING IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK! Now this is when the Swine Flu left my head and went straight to the umbilicle cord! What could I do? He was going to be thrown from the back of the truck and I couldn't do anything to stop it! My blood pressure rose and my mind raced. "Calm down", I said to myself. Give him 25 minutes to get to the mall or be thrown from the truck then text him. I watched the clock...hello...I didn't have anything else to do! 25 minutes after he left...I texted "R U there yet". Reply..."No. We're waiting for Kat's friend to get ready. He's driving us. Don't worry...he's 22." DON'T WORRY? OF COURSE I'M NOT GOING TO WORRY! I mean, my 15 year old son is out with a 17 year old girl named KAT being driven to the mall by a 22 year old that I have never met! What's to worry about?! I did the only logical thing and called Tom. "Honey, can you pick up Michael from the Mall after you get off work?" Those of you that know Tom well; know that he basically lacks fear of anything...however...he does have a healthy fear of Swine Flu victims. "Sure I can. I'll just stop and pick up dinner on the way home from the mall. You just figure out what you'd like and I'll make it happen." (At least that's what it sounded like to me.) Now I love cooking but I hate deciding what to fix for dinner. It's no different when it's take out. I kept thinking of restaurants between the Mall and home and tried to figure out what the guys would want as much as I did. "Moons over my hammy" finally came to mind. Melted cheese, scrambled eggs and ham between golden brown grilled bread with hash browns. Finally...something without peanut butter! I told Tom since they were at the Mall already; they should eat there then just bring mine home. I closed my eyes and pictured the gooey cheese, fluffy eggs and warm sweet ham. The phone rang and interrupted my dream. "Honey...we're at IHOP...they don't have "Moons over my hammy! The waitress said that's Denny's". Disappointment as thick as peanut butter filled my veins! "Let me look at the menu on line and I'll call you back." IHOP...I DON'T WANT IHOP! I scrolled through the menu and finally called Tom back deciding to settle for a sampler. NO FLUFFY EGGS, NO WARM SWEET HAM AND NO GOOEY CHEESE! I wiped the tears from my eyes (then burned the tissuse) as I waited for my dinner. Tom and Michael arrived with "Moons over my hammy"! They went the extra mile with their labor of love. My heroes. (At least that's what I think happened!)
Will write more later.
Rosie
The Avon Lady Surviving Swine Flu Day 2 of Captivity
On Day 2 of Captivity I woke up at 5 AM...put on my mask, slipped on > my bootie and snapped on my gloves. I hobbled down the hall to get my > coffee. As I was pouring my coffee, I spied the full size fully > inflated air mattress propped up against the dining room table. (Tom's > bed for the next week). It didn't even phase me...I mean, I wasn't > eating anyway so what's the big deal? I went back to bed...watched > old crummy movies and read old magazines. About 11, I decided I > really did need to try to eat something. I "intercomed" Michael and > asked him if he'd make me a couple of ritz cracker sandwhiches with > peanut butter. Now, my idea is take a cracker...spread a /little > /peanut butter on it and put another cracker on top. A few minutes > later Michael walked in with cracker sandwhiches with peanut butter > about 6 inches thick. Keep in mind I don't have energy to chew or > swallow so just looking at that much peanut butter was enough to > almost do me in. I couldn't waste his labor of love; so I took baby > bites and managed to get them down. Next time I think I'll ask for > something with chocolate~Open-mouthed smiley emoticon After eating my > delicious ritz cracker brunch; I took my plate to the kitchen. The > counter and sink held dirty dishes just calling my name. * I ignored > them! *I called, "Michael, if you'll unload the clean dishes so I > don't have to touch them...I'll load the dirty ones." "Not a problem, > Mom. Just give me a minute." A little while later I went back out > and the dishes were still calling my name. I said, "Michael, you > haven't unloaded the dish washer yet." He kindly handed me the box of > latex gloves and said, "Here Mom. Now you can unload them without > touching them."Disappointed smiley emoticon> I guess labors of love only go so far!> Will write more later.> Rosie
Sruviving the Swine Flu Day 1 of Captivity
I'm finally awake enough to sit at the computer for a few minutes and write. For those of you who don't know, I tested positive for Swine Flu yesterday. Went to the ER on Saturday for broken toe and someone couldn't read the sign that said "If you're experiencing flu like symptons, please inform us". A special thanks to that person from me! So I'm sitting at the computer with Clorex wipes to disenfect everything I touch before leaving the room.
Yesterday was Day 1 of Captivity. Tom did some research of the computer about living with a Swine Flu victim. As I was resting peacefully (which is pretty much all I've done since Saturday), Tom and Michael barged into the room wearing gloves and carrying containers of wipes and spray bottles of disinfectant. Tom handed me (from 6 feet away) the packet of information he had printed off on the Swine Flu. Keep in mind, there were several sections that were highlighted.
One section that was highlighted was washing laundry that had come in contact with the "sick person". Tom informed me he was going to do the laundry. Now you have to understand that the packet said to wash everything in HOT water and dry in a HOT dryer...hello...have they never heard of Spandex Blend?? As Tom stood folding the laundry at the foot of the bed (again 6 feet away) I looked at my favorite jeans from Brazil and wondered if there is possibly a pigmy family anywhere close by that needs hand me downs. Yep...my favorite shorts and my favorite jeans may now fit Diana's kids! Thanks honey.
I can't wait to see what today holds in store. I'm going back to bed now (after wiping down all serfaces that I've touched) but will write more later. Take care and can't wait to be around people again!
Rosie
PS For those of you with Avon orders...delivery will be sometime the beginning of next week. I won't breathe on your merchandise...promise!
Yesterday was Day 1 of Captivity. Tom did some research of the computer about living with a Swine Flu victim. As I was resting peacefully (which is pretty much all I've done since Saturday), Tom and Michael barged into the room wearing gloves and carrying containers of wipes and spray bottles of disinfectant. Tom handed me (from 6 feet away) the packet of information he had printed off on the Swine Flu. Keep in mind, there were several sections that were highlighted.
One section that was highlighted was washing laundry that had come in contact with the "sick person". Tom informed me he was going to do the laundry. Now you have to understand that the packet said to wash everything in HOT water and dry in a HOT dryer...hello...have they never heard of Spandex Blend?? As Tom stood folding the laundry at the foot of the bed (again 6 feet away) I looked at my favorite jeans from Brazil and wondered if there is possibly a pigmy family anywhere close by that needs hand me downs. Yep...my favorite shorts and my favorite jeans may now fit Diana's kids! Thanks honey.
I can't wait to see what today holds in store. I'm going back to bed now (after wiping down all serfaces that I've touched) but will write more later. Take care and can't wait to be around people again!
Rosie
PS For those of you with Avon orders...delivery will be sometime the beginning of next week. I won't breathe on your merchandise...promise!
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