The Adventures of The Avon Lady Continue

The Swine Flu overshadowed any broken bones I suffered. That is...for everyone but me! Last week, as I hobbled into the office (wincing in pain) for lunch, dragging my dirty bootie behind me, I thought to myself, "OK...shouldn't my poor toe be feeling a little better by now? It's been a month! Shouldn't my toe be pointing North by now instead of the top joint pointing due East and the bottom pointing South West? I called my doctor who had done the follow up visit on my foot. "My toe doesn't seem to be doing any better ", I told the nurse. "It's not any better at all?" Lana asked.
"Nope... AND on top of that; there's a really sore spot on the bottom of my foot from my bootie." "We can work you in on Tuesday when Michael comes for his Sports Physical." Not too bad, I thought ...only a few days away.
When we walked into the Dr.'s office, Michael was more concerned about his appointment than I was. Unlike the Swine Flu test (where Michael didn't know what was coming), he had previously had a Sports Physical and knew exactly what was involved. HE WAS DREADING COUGHING! The girls in the office and I had discussed what possible reason there could for making an important part of a man's physical... grabbing a guys family jewels and making him cough on command. There were many theories; but we finally concluded it was to guage their reaction time...by seeing how long it took their face to turn RED...then Green...then Blue! Whatever the purpose was; Michael was dreading it.
He was called back first. Shortly after I heard a scream then sobbing! Was that Michael??? Had the Dr. ruined any chances of him blessing me with more grandchildren??? A woman walked back through the waiting room carrying a crying child. Thank God! The family jewels were still intact!
Finally Lana called me back. Now the first thing Lana always does is weigh me. This time she said, "No need to weigh you for a toe." COME ON!!!! I've lost enough weight from the flu to actually fit into my pigmy clothes; and you're not going to weigh me? YOU'VE WEIGHED ME FOR SPLIT ENDS BEFORE...AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WEIGH ME NOW?? That just didn't seem fair! She took my temp and blood pressure...but did she weigh me? NO!
"The doctor will be in shortly."
The doctor hurried into the room (she always hurries) and said, "Oh you poor thing! You're toes not getting any better? Let's take a look and see what's going on." As she removed my dirty bootie and the wrapping that I carefully stabilized my toes with every morning; I thought to myself...WAIT A MINUTE! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SHE'S EVEN LOOKED AT MY FOOT! When I went for my follow up appointment, she was so concerned with the fact that I was sick...she didn't even look at my foot! SHE HADN'T BEEN CONCERNED ABOUT THE FACT I WAS SICK AT ALL...she just didn't have an instrument long enough to remove my bootie and wrapping while still maintaining the 6' Swine Flu distance! This was all her fault! If she had just checked my foot at my follow up...she would have immediately seen what the problem was!
"Oh my...it's really swollen! Let's get an xray and compare it to the ones from the hospital." Isn't that special... their xray department was open! If it had been opened on Saturdays...I wouldn't have suffered the Swine Flu! I had the xray and waited for the verdict.
"Ok...it's just as I expected. Take a look at this." (Comparing the two xrays) "Your fracture has shifted." That didn't sound good! "I'm setting up an appointment with a specialist in the morning. He'll probably have to "re-align" your toe and shave the growth off the bottom of your foot. Don't worry. He'll numb you first and you won't feel a thing!"
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I DON'T LIKE PAIN...I DON'T LIKE NEEDLES AND I DON'T LIKE SHAVING!!!!!!!!!!! CAN'T SHE JUST GRAB MY BOOBS AND COMMAND ME TO COUGH INSTEAD???
I didn't get much sleep that night wondering what diabolical devices the doctor would use to "re-align" my toe and shave the bottom of my foot!
As I was led into the "torture chamber" the next morning; the nurse said (as they always do), "The doctor will be in shortly."
The first thing you notice in the office is the "table??????" The table looks like an overgrown straight back chair that appeared to be made of a mixture of concrete and hard plastic. Had they acidentally placed me in a room for posture therapy? I decided to look around while I waited. The cabinets that held the supplies had glass doors...so it wasn't as though I was actually "snooping". The first cabinet held an industrial spray can of "NU SKIN". harmless... we have that at home. That's reassuring! Next to it was a jar of rubber cement...harmless. Kids used to sniff that in elementary school My pulse is beginning to slow down to normal and my fears are fading away! I hobble to the next cabinet. On the top shelf is an electric grinder (the kind my mechanic uses). That doesn't look good! On the shelf below it is a small circular saw with a vacumn hose attached! My heart races! IS THAT WHAT HE'S GOING TO USE TO SHAVE MY FOOT??
I hear an evil laugh outside the door and the doctor enters. He looks down at my foot and says "Nice wrapping!"
"Thank you."
"The only problem is you're wrapping them wrong. You see...when your foot moves your big toe moves. By taping your "pointer" toe to your big toe you've aggrivated the problem. Each step you took, with your toes taped together the way they're taped, contributed to the fracture shifting." WHAT!!! You've got to be kidding me!!!!!! The toes that I so carefully "stabilized" each morning?? It's not the doctor's fault after all! (Well not completely.) The hospital shares the blame! If the xray department hadn't been closed on Saturdays (the Dr.'s fault)...then I wouldn't have gone to the ER where I caught the Swine Flu AND had been instructed in how to "stabilize" my toes WRONG! (Hospital's fault)
To make a short story long...the details of what followed are not really clear. I was so nervous about what was going to happen...that I didn't really focus on what was actually happening. He did numb my foot and shaved it with a surgical blade (no saw with a vacumn attached), modified my bottie for style and comfort and set up an appointment for another xray in three weeks.
I guess the moral of this story is...It's better to cough than shave any day!

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

For those of you who don't know (and I don't know how that could be possible...I'VE TOLD EVERYONE!), I recently earned a cruise through Avon. I was so excited when I realized I was going to go on a Carribean cruise! I've never been on a cruise but, have heard nothing but good. While the contest was going on, I told all of my customers what I was working for. I wanted to let all of the people who had ordered from me during those campaigns know that I had achieved my goal and find out what kind of "tropical treat" they'd like me to bring back to them.
Well...I went to deliver to Betty. Betty is a beautiful 82 year old woman. From the second you meet her, you become a member of the family and are addressed as "Dear". "Now Dear, tell me how I use this product." She is a doll!
When I told Betty that I had earned the cruise her response was, "Well, Dear, that's wonderful! You need to go to Savers and find some clothes to take on the cruise!"
"What an awesome idea, Betty!"
"How does Thursday at 9 AM sound?"
WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Did I just make a date with Betty to go to Savers and look for clothes for my cruise? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Of all the things on my "to do" list during the summer...that was not one of them. I hadn't even cleaned my refrigerator yet (and that was #3 on the list)!
Well, there was no was I was going to back out on my big day with Betty. I called her on Wednesday evening to confirm.
"Dear, I'm so happy to hear from you. I'm just so disappointed that my friend Barbara can't go with us. I invited her; but her husband is ill. It'll just be you and me. Are you going to drive?"
"You bet I am. I'll be there at 9." I don't even like riding with people that can see and hear...I'm certainly going to drive!
I pulled into Betty's driveway at 9AM and pretended to be invisible to her large ferocious looking dog (that she says wouldn't hurt a flea). I rang the bell. No one answered. I knocked on the door. No one answered. I dialed her number from my cell standing at her front door. I heard the phone ringing inside...but no one answered! Do I have the wrong day? NO...I called last night. Is something wrong with Betty? Did her "friendly" dog attack her and she's lying in a pool of blood unable to answer the phone or the door? I walked back to my car and got in. What should I do? I decided to call her one last time before leaving to go back home to clean the refrigerator.
Ring...ring...ring. "Hello."
"Betty, I'm hear."
"Come on in Dear the door is open."
I walked in the front door and Betty met me with 2 bags in her hands. "Savers gives you $3 off if you donate something. I have something for me and something for you! I hope Barbara remembers to bring her own."
"Barbara?"
"Oh, Dear, praise the Lord! My friend Barbara who I told you wasn't going to be able to come is going to come with us!"
"Are we meeting her there or is she driving?"
"Oh, Dear, we're picking her up. She's on the way. She lives in Nuuana."
OK...I've never been to Nuuana before...I've never been to Savers before... but, I have my GPS (Maggie) who has Savers' address plugged in...so we'll find it. We get in the car with our donations for Savers. I plug in Maggie and put on my bluetooth headset.
"Betty, this will tell us exactly how to get to Savers if you can tell me how to get to Barbara's."
"Oh course I can, Dear!"
We're driving down the road chatting about our children when Maggie says, "approaching left turn on Kailua Road".
Betty looked at me in wonder!
"It tells me when to turn and how far it is till the next turn!"
"That's amazing, Dear!"
We continue talking and Maggie gives her next direction. Betty pauses and lets Maggie speak. We begin chatting again and my bluetooth rings in my ear. "I'm sorry Betty I have to answer this."
Now...Maggie is talking to me...I'm talking to air and Betty is looking dumbfounded.
"I'm sorry, Betty. Is Maggie too loud?"
"No, Dear. I just don't know when to talk. I don't know when you're talking to me. You're so HI Tech."
That knocked the wind out of me! How rude could I be? "Betty, do you know how to get to Savers?"
"Oh course I do, Dear! I go the third Thusday of every month. It's tag day!"
I turned my phone on slient and turned Maggie off. We picked up Barbara and proceded to Savers.
Betty was on a mission to find clothes for my cruise! She picked out clothes for me with precision and purpose! She picked out clothes that ranged from what I could wear if I ever made an appearance on "Soul Train"...to calf length hemmed, 3/4 length sleeved, shoulder padded jackets that I could have worn on The Love Boat! I let her put each item that she thought was cruicial to my wardrobe in the cart. I mean, I had a week to return them!
"Do you want to try them on, Dear?"
"No...I'll take them all. Thanks for helping me!"
After leaving Savers, Barbara and Betty asked me if I had time to go to "The Bin". "What's the bin?", I asked.
"It's this huge warehouse that belongs to the Salvation Army. All their surplus items are sent there. Every hour they load the bins with boxes full of items. You have to wait for the whistle to blow then you have 15 minutes to look through the bins before they throw everything into dumpsters and reload the bins!"
WOW...Why didn't I think of something like that? I could have made a million with the stuff in my fridge!
"OK. I have a little time; let's go!"
They directed me down a seedy alley and told me to park near the entrance. We walked through a hot maze to get into "the bin". Hundreds of people were beginning to push forward to three bins full of soon to be discarded items. What treasures would we find? In one of the bins that was open, I spied THE PERFECT SHOE! OH MY GOD! It was adorable! I started pushing too! Get out of the way!!!! That's MY shoe! I yanked the shoe out of the bin and started digging to find the matching shoe. Where was it? It was nowhere to be found! I began digging in the bin next to it when Barbara (who was next to me) said, "What a cute shoe!" "I know...but I can't find the other!" "It's probably in the next batch. Just pull it out and wait."
The next batch? The whistle wasn't going to blow for at least 13 minutes! I don't have time to wait! I threw the lonely shoe back into the bin...destined for the dumpster.
We left shortly after that. I dropped off Barbara and took Betty home. I helped Betty carry her treasures into her house and thanked her again for helping me get ready for my cruise. I don't recall how long it's been since I've had such an unusual and rewarding day! I had one "dear" woman who was helping dress me for a cruise and made another "dear" friend.
I think the moral of this story is...when life gives you hearing aids...turn off all other electronic devices and listen!
Rosie
PS Within days I tested positive for the Swine Flu and never made it back to Savers to return the clothes. I now have a closet full of shoulder pads!

Day 5 of Captivity...The Swine Flue Season Finale

Day 5 of Captivity...almost the end...or so I thought! I woke up realizing I only had 1 more day of Sterile masks and gloves! I couldn't wait to be free! I knew I had to follow my filthy swine routine one last time. I rolled out of bed. Sterile Mask? CHECK... Sterile Gloves?...CHECK...one dirty bootie? CHECK! I was ready for the day. I gingerly hobbled down the hall to get my coffee. "GOOD MORNING, Air Mattress!" Nothing could dampen my spirits. After my walk of shame yesterday...today would be a walk in the park! I enjoyed my coffee as I brushed my light golden brown (loreal #456) hair. I decided to let Michael sleep in for a bit to give me a break. I sipped my coffee while playing my hand held Yahtzee (thanks Slag!). All too soon, Michael was up. As he ate breakfast, I decided to try to tidy up a bit. I put away the dice from Bunko last Friday and started unloading the cooler that was hiding behind the air mattress. What was that noise? ACHOOOOO! ACHOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOO! "MOM...YOU MADE ME SICK!!!!!!!!!!" Oh no! Could germs possibly have survived and carried in this STERILE household? "Calm down, Michael. It's probably just allergies! Take a Sudefed and see what happens!" ACHOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOO! "MOM, YOU MADE ME SICK AND I'M GOING TO MISS THE WHOLE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL!" Now to my brilliant son that doesn't mean, "Oh no...what's going to happen to college selections? OH NO...I'm going to miss a whole week of academics!" No... to him it means, "THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO GET TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS!" OMG...what would his friends do without him for a whole week? The Sudefed kicked in and the sneezing and coughing stopped. Thank God! Now...I could get ready for my final Day of Captivity. I turned off the shower to ACHOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOO! "MOM...IT'S NOT WORKING! YOU MADE ME SICK!" OK...calm down and call Straub. See what they have to say. Dripping wet in the bathroom, I pick up the contaminated phone (still stained from my Loreal glove) and dialed Straub. Ellen (one of the darlings at the front desk) asks, "Does he have a fever?" "No." I replied. "I didn't have a fever in the beginning either. My flu began with sneezing and coughing." Ellen says, "Bring him in at 3:30". AHCOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOO! "OK...we'll be there!" I am feeling so much guilt! How could I have given my son the flu? I had been so careful and so STERILE! Now, not only did this mean Michael might have the Swine Flu... even worse... it meant I would have to leave the house again wearing a mask! The whispers and the stares could be more deadly than the flu. As we were leaving I grabbed my "travel size" Purell and told Michael to put on a mask . "I'M NOT GOING TO LOOK LIKE A FREAK!" "Michael, you're walking with a freak! Put on the mask!". While checking in, I tell Kathrina (another darling at the desk) "I feel like a freak!" "Don't worry about it. You're not the only one who wears a mask in here." Funny, I don't see anyone else wearing a mask. All I see are people staring at us and trying to mold themselves deeper into their seats. The entire time we're waiting for Michael to be called back (sitting by ourselves and not making eye contact); I hear constant grumbling in my left ear.."I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME SICK! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO MISS MY FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL! GOOD JOB, MOM!!!". Well, by now my guilt is turning to irritation. Did he think I wanted to make him sick? Didn't he know I tried to keep him and Tom healthy? We both were anxious for him to be tested. Little did he know what the test involved...and I didn't tell him! As the doctor removed the 19" long swab from the STERILE wrapping, he looked at Michael and said, "This goes up your nose." Michael (being a cocky teenager) asks, "Will it go all the way up and punture my brain?" HMM...Maybe, I thought! As sixteen inches of the 19" swab dissapeared up Michael's nostril...his body was lifted an equal amount from the table! His eyes rolled back in his head and his feet twitched! It was like watching an incredibly sick magic trick! WHAT WOULD THE DOCTOR PULL OUT OF HIS NOSE? Ten minutes was all it took to get the negative results. As we were leaving the Dr. asked me how long it had been since I had a fever. "I don't know...a couple of days." "You can take off the mask. You're OK to be around people now." "Are you sure? I don't want to make anyone sick." "You're fine." As we're driving home, I remove my Sterile mask for the last time. We walk towards the elevator and run into Cynthia (my friend who hung medicine on my front door). When she saw me WITHOUT my mask, she backed away! Go figure! Looks like I can scare all the people all the time!
Can't wait to see you guys again! Many of you have called or sent emails saying you're glad I'm getting better...but don't want the updates to stop. Even though this is the Swine Flu Season Finale... join my site and stay tuned for more Adventures of the Avon Lady at http://rosiez-survivingtheswinefluwithhumor.blogspot.com/
Rosie