My Flippin Foot

I woke up at 2:47 AM last Sunday with my "Flippin' Foot" itching and burning! What was wrong now? I knew it couldn't be my "re-aligned" toe because it was elevated and stabilized! Without opening my eyes, I drowsily scratched the elevated itch. I waited for a few seconds and scratched again. "Did something bite me during the night?" I thought about Mel (AKA SLAG) and the centipede she found in her bed. I didn't want to open my eyes and find one...so I scratched once more and drifted off to sleep again. At 3:16 the burning and itching woke me again. Once again (without opening my eyes), I scratched the elevated itch. I scratched and scratched until my fingers were numb! I fell back to sleep and woke up at 5:30.
"Tom must still be on Seattle time", I thought to myself when I got out of bed. He was already awake.
I walked past the office to get my morning coffee (secretly missing the air mattress).
"Good morning, honey. How'd you sleep?" I asked.
"I slept great!" Thomas said. "How did YOU sleep?"
"Not so good! My arch of my "FLIPPIN" foot is burning and itching! I think something bit me during the night."
I hobbled out to the kitchen...got my coffee...and decided to look at my foot. Well...it's red and swollen and still itching and tender. I was about to ask Tom to "take a look"; but decided to wait and see how it felt as I started moving around. I then looked at my nails. My scratching during the night had totally worn off my Avon Mauve Madness nail polish!!!!!!!! I’d rather have "red, swollen and itching" feet than a bad manicure!
Today was Avon delivery day. My orders were coming in. I had an "emergency" delivery to make to a guy who was going to leave for the mainland at 11:00 and an appointment with a new Avon Representative at 11:45 (welcome Melelani!). I kept hobbling to the door and peeking through the peep hole to see if Larry (my delivery guy) had delivered yet.
I was on a tight schedule; so I decided to shower early so I'd be ready for my delivery and appointment. After showering, I put on my cute little "appointment" dress and went into the living room.
"Honey, something’s really wrong with my "FLIPPIN" foot. It's still burning and itching! I’m not sure if something bit me or not." I sprayed on the Avon anti- itch spray and waited for the pain to go away. Now this stuff is good... but no luck!
"Let me take a look at it", Tom says. "Michael, bring my glasses and a flashlight!" Tom's sitting in his reclining chair and directs me to lie on the couch. Now I'm laying on the couch (in my cute little "appointment" dress) with my feet facing the outside lanai door. I prop my foot up on the arm of the couch for Tom to "take a look". Even as a child... I never had dreams of being an acrobat or tight rope walker... but as I lay there on the couch...Tom lifted my leg so high in the air I felt like I was suspended from one of the swinging ladders that the Gambini Twins would use! My cute little "appointment" dress rose up my legs and my star spangled underwear was on display for my family (and any neighbors who happened to be outside my lanai window) to see!
I was filled with embarrassment...but Tom was so focused on his mission of relieving the "evil" in my foot; that he didn't seem to notice! "Michael...bring me my knife, peroxide and duct tape!"
OK...I'LL BITE!!
"Honey, what do you need the duct tape for?" I ask. By now, I just want to get this over with and pull my skirt down so badly that I don't even care about the knife!
"If I can't get whatever is in there out...the duct tape will pull it out."
OK...I'll only go so far!!!!! I have toes that have been stabilized for six weeks and one "VERY dirty bootie" and a bad manicure at this point! BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT DUCT TAPE!
"Honey, don't you think we can use adhesive tape instead?"
He pulls the knife out and leans towards my foot! "DON'T CUT MY FOOT!" I screamed.
"I'm not! I’m only going to graze it." Now if my name were Bessie (and I was a cow), I think I'd feel much better about this! Tom leans towards me with the knife and begins to "graze".
"I'm only getting clear liquid! I know there's something in there! Just be still!"
Every time I twitched, he said "you're such a girlie girl!"
"HELLO... I have on my cute little "appointment" dress...what do you expect?"
The knife doesn't work so he calls out, "Michael, bring a needle!" Michael comes out with a 4" long 2"wide darning needle and proceeds to go onto the lanai to "sterilize" it with a match. Now keep in mind...these matches have been in the emergency kit for the past two years! He's striking and striking...and not a spark! He finally gave up and brought the needle inside and gave it to Tom. "Don't poke it straight in!!!!!!!!"
"I'm not...I’m only going to graze it!"
Tom looks at me from his "ROCKING" recliner chair...glasses perched on his nose...4" long needle in hand with the flash light pointed at a 90 degree angle wedged between his neck and chin. I'm looking at him looking at me and I don't even care anymore that my "star spangled" undies are on public display! JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!!!!!!!!!!!
He "grazes" and pokes...nothing!
"I know there's something in there...let's just put the tape on in and wait and see what happens in the morning."
As I hobble back to bed (with silver tape on my foot) I'm thinking "I need to call the real doctor in the morning." I just want to be able to wear a pair of shoes again! I can't wait to sit on the torture table at the doctors and at least have my foot numb before the poking and grazing begins.
If there were a moral to this story...the moral would have to be...if you're going to "moon" the neighbors and your family...make sure you have on "star spangled underwear!"
Happy Labor Day!
Rosie