Preparing for a Colonoscopy

This story is actually about my friend Becky. She had this procedure last week and emailed me her account of events. She asked if I wanted to tweek it for her...so here goes. Remember the names have not been changed to protect the innocent!

DAY ONE OF COLONOSCOPY
WHEN TO DRINK MY FOUR LITERS??? Four liters doesn’t sound like a lot… but picture 2 TWO LITER BOTTLES OF SODA MIXED WITH ANOTHER LIQUID! (I’ve heard 7UP is highly recommended!) I’m trying to jiggle the time between clients and sitting on the toilet! NOW…HOW MUCH SHOULD I DRINK AND WHEN.... I DONT' WANT THE KIDS TO HAVE THERAPY OUTSIDE MY BATHROOM DOOR! I figured it out pretty well and stopped seeing clients by 5. At 5:02 I was on the toilet! Man…FAST CLEAN OUT! I know I wasn’t supposed to eat and I didn’t even want to eat food after the aromas coming from my “potty”! WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO EAT? HOW DISGUSTING!I finally sipped some beef broth and had another “poop juice and 7UP cocktail”. ONLY SIX MORE COCKTAILS TO GO!!! WHOOHOOOOOI was cleaned out by 6 and wondered why I had to finish this stuff? Following the Dr.’s orders… I had another “poop juice and 7UP cocktail”. I WILL NEVER HAVE 7UP AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I’M CRAVIN’ MY COKE!!!!!!!!!! What can it hurt? I’ll just cheat and have ½ a can!
I decided to watch a little TV and play video games. I’m at the point where Mario is about to save the princess and “Oi” (my dog) decides he’s better at saving Princesses than I am. He jumps onto my lap and grabs the controller! When he hits my lap it’s like a giant bubble grew in my stomach!
“Get down Oi…my stomach’s sore!!”
Oi (being the obedient dog that he is) jumps down. The bubble in my stomach bursts and “shishi” comes out my butt!!!!!!????
It’s all clear! They’ll never know I drank that ½ coke! The “butt shishi” finally stopped at 10…But I had about four more “cocktails” to go!!!!!!! THIS WAS NUTS!!!!!!! Being the rebel that I am, I had jello at 11 PM. BLUE JELLO...CAN'T HAVE RED…. DONT' LIKE GREEN OR ORANGE. PRETTY COLORS!!!!!!DAY TWO: SURGERY
I woke up the day of the surgery with BLUE (PRETTY BLUE) “BUTT SHISHI” still leaving my body!!!!!!!!
I decided if I was going to be running to the bathroom a lot and having a “bloated” stomach after the procedure…I’m dressing comfortably! I put on my favorite white sweats and headed out the door!I ran to the hospital at 5:45 AM and got in the lonnnnnng line. HOW COULD SO MANY PEOPLE BE HERE THIS EARLY?
You know that commercial that says “GOTTA GO…GOTTA GO …GOTTA GO RIGHT NOW!”… WELL, THAT WAS ME!!!!!!!!!!
I got out of line…lost my place... and ran to the bathroom!!! BLUE COLORED PANTIES NOW!!!!!!
I go back to the end of the line and feel “the Bubble” about to burst again!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I’M NOT LEAVING THIS LINE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
I give a “fake” cough to cover up any “fart sound” and feel blue liquid leaving my body. A small “pretty blue” paisley print appears on my favorite white sweats! I “cough” again… another “pretty blue” paisley print! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I’m so cleaned out by now that there’s no smell! I DON’T HAVE TO LOSE MY PLACE IN LINE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! People must think I have pneumonia as I cough and cough and cough!
As I’m making my way towards the front desk…people are saying to me…”I love your “pretty blue” paisley pants!!! Where’d you get them?”
WONDER IF I WILL POOP ALL BLUE FLUID IN THE OPERATING ROOM???????
WONDER IF THEY’LL NOTICE!!!!
THEY KNOCKED ME OUT WITH SOMETHING GOOD (WAY BETTER THAN MY “POOP JUICE COCKTAIL”)!
When I woke up they showed me my colon. IT WAS BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not just blue…”Pretty Blue!”I GUESS THEY REALLY NOTICED THE BLUE JELLO.
Now… when I was young I learned that if you drank enough Grape Kool Aid…your poop would turn green! Who would have thunk that if you even snuck ½ a can of Coke and mixed it with blue jello and “poop cocktail” that it would turn “pretty blue”?
They took out five polyps and I went home with a pretty blue colon picture! I FELT GREAT!!!!!!!!!! Man their medicine is good!!!
I felt sooooooooo good that I went to work and started to return my zillions of calls. I dialed the Social Worker’s number and as she answered the phone…I thought to myself… “Why is she calling me???? Doesn’t she know I just had a procedure and my colon is “pretty blue”?
“What do you mean you didn’t call me?” I asked the Social Worker. I explained I was on drugs…and she explained I will now be required to attend “rehab session” once a week!!!!!I
I was sooooo professional as I screamed into the phone “NOOOOOOOOO…I’m the REHAB person!!!! You can’t do that to me!”
They laughed and told me “BETTER SLEEP AND TAKE IT EASY AS THE DOCTOR SAID. NO WORKING TILL YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’VE DIALED A NUMBER OR WHEN YOUR PHONE ACTUALLY RINGS!”
The moral of the story… MAKE SURE U EAT BLUE JELLO AS YOUR COLON IS VERY PRETTY ON FILM !! This story also has another moral...preparing for a hurricane isn't as crappy as preparing for a colonoscopy!
Feel better Becky!
Talk to you soon
Rosie