The Adventures of the Avon Lady Continue...Mammogram Day

I went for my mammogram one day after work. I know we’re supposed to get them yearly…but I’m trying to stop being so compulsive … so it’s been 5 years! I’ve come to the conclusion that mammograms are similar to childbirth. Immediately after experiencing one or the other; you vow never to do it again! In time, the memory of the pain fades and you think to yourself “OK…that wasn’t so bad…I’ll do it again!”
I called for the appointment and Chad (the ONLY male receptionist) answered the phone. “Happy New Year, Chad!”
“Oh, Happy New Year, Rosie! What can I do for you?” Why couldn’t it have been Ellen, Kathrina or Shaundry who answered?
“Well, Chad, I’d like to schedule my appointment for my mammogram.” There. I’d said it!!
“Are you due for one?” Chad asked.
“Chad, I’m wayyyyyyyyyyyyy overdue!” I replied.
“I guess it’s not one of you girls’ favorite things to do; is it?” Chad responded.
Right then and there I wished I was a doctor and could command Chad to drop his drawers and COUGH!!!!! OF COURSE IT WASN’T OUR FAVORITE THING TO DO!!! But how bad could it be? I really couldn’t remember the details of my last one (just like I can’t remember my natural hair color when someone asks!)
“I have an opening at 2:15 next Tuesday. Does that work for you?”
“Not a problem.”
“Remember” Chad said, “No powders, lotions or deodorants! It interferes with the machine!”
OH MY GOD! I’LL BE ABLE TO GET READY IN TEN MINUTES FLAT! Normally, I begin my routine with Avon Skin So Soft Age Defying Lotion on my legs. Next I apply Avon Skin So Soft Targeted Firming and Sculpting Lotion to my “orange peel” arms…followed by Avon Age Defying Chest and Neck Treatment! I’ll look like one dried up haggard Avon Lady without my lotions!
“Can I at least wear makeup? HELLO…I am the Avon Lady!”
“Of course you can wear makeup” Chad laughed.
I hung up the phone and thought about what I’d just done. I had actually scheduled an appointment for my mammogram…AND HAD SCHEDULED IT FOR AN AFTERNOON ON A SCHOOL DAY! WHAT WAS I THINKING????????? How could I work all day with kids (and co-workers) without deodorant or lotions?????? We don’t have air conditioning at school!!!!! I’ll smell like my son’s teen age friends by the end of the day!!!!! What am I going to do?????
I voiced my concerns to Diana and Pearl at work. Diana is a flippin genius!!!! “Why don’t you put on deodorant and lotion…leave a little early…run home and take a bath…then go to your appointment.” Why didn’t I think of that?
I decided to follow her advice partially. I skipped the lotions this morning…but just couldn’t go without my Skin So Soft deodorant! I left work a little early …hosed down my pits…then headed to the appointment. I arrived at Straub and proceeded to check in.
“I’ll let the tech know you’re here. Just have a seat.”
As I was waiting, I looked at everyone else and tried to guess why they were here.
“I’m here to pick up a collection kit for stool samples” one old man said to the receptionist…TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!! He’s either constipated or is wearing extra strength Depends!
“I don’t want to get shot!!!!!!!!!!!” a young boy cried. HUM…immunizations? Man, I’m good at this!
The Tech came out…looked at me and said “Rosie?”
Memories began filling my head of my last mammogram! I crossed my arms over my chest and said “NOPE! THAT’S NOT ME!”
She turned to look in the other direction. Not wanting to lose my place in line, I jumped up and said “Just kidding! I’m here.”
She led me into a large walk in freezer. (I’m glad I wore long pants today to cover my lotion less legs!) In the room was a single chair against the wall facing an un-menacing looking ivory colored machine. Why did they have a little crib pad on the chair? I sat down on the crib pad and looked up at the tech.
“Your gown is on the chair. Please remove your top and bra.”
Oh Man! I was sitting on my “gown”! As she was closing the door, I almost found myself asking “Does it open in the front or the back?” Bet she’d never heard that before!
I shivered as I waited in the crop top gown. I decided to take a closer look at the machine. This doesn’t look bad! The rear of the machine had open handles on both sides and the top of the front looked like a restaurant sneeze guard. Two clinical glass plates (about 6” apart) were under the “sneeze guard”. I noticed that the bottom glass plate had an etched breast pointing in. NICE! I sat back down and glanced to the left. On the shelf was another larger glass plate with another etched breast pointing in. WHY DID SHE GIVE ME THE LITTLE ONE??? I checked out the Tech’s credentials on the wall. I don’t know why I always do that! What difference did it make if it said “Mary Mac has completed an intense training in the art or Mammogramy” or if it said “Mary Mac doesn’t have a clue as to how to administer a Mammogram. Please follow the visual prompts on the machine!” I’m already here and whatever was going to happen was going to happen!
Susie walked in and asked me to stand facing the machine. “Please remove your left arm from the sleeve. We’ll start with that side”. I modestly held the right covering completely over my right side as to not expose my breast!
Now…I’m only 5’3” tall. You’d think you’d be able to just walk up to the machine and comfortably place your boob on the etched breast and wait for the plates to close. NOT!!!!! Apparently they need not only your jaw line in the x-ray…they need the skin that covers your rib cage too!!!!
I walked up to the machine and stood slightly on my tiptoes to place my breast on the bottom plate. “Reach behind the machine with your right arm and hold onto the handle. It’ll help with your balance.” Susie’s right foot was on the pedal as she pulled skin so tightly my mouth popped open! Her left hand pulled my rib cage up to meet my throat. As my knee crept up to my hip my left foot jutted out behind me to form a standing backwards leg lift. She pressed the pedal then jumped behind the screen. “Don’t move” she said sweetly “And hold your breath.” ARE YOU NUTS????????? I CAN’T MOVE AND I’VE BEEN HOLDING MY BREATH SINCE MY MOUTH POPPED OPEN!
“Breathe now…I’m going to release the pressure.” My breath came out quickly in a rush of relief.
Susie came from behind the screen. She turned a knob and the “squeeze plates” rotated to a right angle.
“Now I need you to turn sideways and step closer to the machine”. WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??? What else can you possibly do to this side????????
Susie pulled the skin underneath so tightly that my pinky toe cramped. The top skin was pulled so tightly my stud earrings touched my shoulder! “Move in a little closer.” The side of my face was plastered against the “sneeze guard” as my ear lobe and pinky toe bonded! Susie once again pressed the pedal…jumped behind the screen and sweetly said… “Don’t breathe!” I held my breath and waited for the pressure to release.
“Now remove your right arm from the sleeve”, Susie said. ALL MODESTY WAS GONE!!!!! I yanked my arm out…stepped up to the machine…stood on tippy toes and placed my right boob on the “etched breast”. With foot on pedal, she pulled from the top and bottom. My mouth popped open, I performed a perfect “10” standing backwards leg lift and held my breath!
“Perfect!” Susie said as she snapped my picture. “Breathe now…I’m going to release the pressure.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t release the pressure!!!!!! I know what’s coming next! Just let me grab both handles! I promise I’ll hold my legs out at a 90 degree angle like the Gambine brothers and elevate myself to a right angle! JUST DON’T RELEASE AND SQUEEZE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! Susie didn’t listen and released the pressure. I turned…plastered my own face to the “sneeze guard” and introduced my ear lobe to my pinky toe.
After Susie released the pressure for the second time, she said, “Have a seat and let me take a quick look to make sure the XRAYS look OK. I didn’t even put my “gown” back on! I felt that Susie and I had bonded so well…no need.
She came out and said, “Everything looks OK but I’m not the doctor. They’ll take a look and if they feel they need additional pictures; they’ll call and set up an appointment at the King Street Clinic.” AS IF THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!! They can call if they want but I’m setting that appointment for 5 YEARS from now! (Just kidding Bevie)
My results came back normal…Thank God!
I guess the moral of this story is…modern medicine and preventive procedures are awesome…but they’re a pain in the butt…I mean the neck…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Talk to you soon.
Rosie