The Adventures of the Avon Lady Continue...Mammogram Day

I went for my mammogram one day after work. I know we’re supposed to get them yearly…but I’m trying to stop being so compulsive … so it’s been 5 years! I’ve come to the conclusion that mammograms are similar to childbirth. Immediately after experiencing one or the other; you vow never to do it again! In time, the memory of the pain fades and you think to yourself “OK…that wasn’t so bad…I’ll do it again!”
I called for the appointment and Chad (the ONLY male receptionist) answered the phone. “Happy New Year, Chad!”
“Oh, Happy New Year, Rosie! What can I do for you?” Why couldn’t it have been Ellen, Kathrina or Shaundry who answered?
“Well, Chad, I’d like to schedule my appointment for my mammogram.” There. I’d said it!!
“Are you due for one?” Chad asked.
“Chad, I’m wayyyyyyyyyyyyy overdue!” I replied.
“I guess it’s not one of you girls’ favorite things to do; is it?” Chad responded.
Right then and there I wished I was a doctor and could command Chad to drop his drawers and COUGH!!!!! OF COURSE IT WASN’T OUR FAVORITE THING TO DO!!! But how bad could it be? I really couldn’t remember the details of my last one (just like I can’t remember my natural hair color when someone asks!)
“I have an opening at 2:15 next Tuesday. Does that work for you?”
“Not a problem.”
“Remember” Chad said, “No powders, lotions or deodorants! It interferes with the machine!”
OH MY GOD! I’LL BE ABLE TO GET READY IN TEN MINUTES FLAT! Normally, I begin my routine with Avon Skin So Soft Age Defying Lotion on my legs. Next I apply Avon Skin So Soft Targeted Firming and Sculpting Lotion to my “orange peel” arms…followed by Avon Age Defying Chest and Neck Treatment! I’ll look like one dried up haggard Avon Lady without my lotions!
“Can I at least wear makeup? HELLO…I am the Avon Lady!”
“Of course you can wear makeup” Chad laughed.
I hung up the phone and thought about what I’d just done. I had actually scheduled an appointment for my mammogram…AND HAD SCHEDULED IT FOR AN AFTERNOON ON A SCHOOL DAY! WHAT WAS I THINKING????????? How could I work all day with kids (and co-workers) without deodorant or lotions?????? We don’t have air conditioning at school!!!!! I’ll smell like my son’s teen age friends by the end of the day!!!!! What am I going to do?????
I voiced my concerns to Diana and Pearl at work. Diana is a flippin genius!!!! “Why don’t you put on deodorant and lotion…leave a little early…run home and take a bath…then go to your appointment.” Why didn’t I think of that?
I decided to follow her advice partially. I skipped the lotions this morning…but just couldn’t go without my Skin So Soft deodorant! I left work a little early …hosed down my pits…then headed to the appointment. I arrived at Straub and proceeded to check in.
“I’ll let the tech know you’re here. Just have a seat.”
As I was waiting, I looked at everyone else and tried to guess why they were here.
“I’m here to pick up a collection kit for stool samples” one old man said to the receptionist…TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!! He’s either constipated or is wearing extra strength Depends!
“I don’t want to get shot!!!!!!!!!!!” a young boy cried. HUM…immunizations? Man, I’m good at this!
The Tech came out…looked at me and said “Rosie?”
Memories began filling my head of my last mammogram! I crossed my arms over my chest and said “NOPE! THAT’S NOT ME!”
She turned to look in the other direction. Not wanting to lose my place in line, I jumped up and said “Just kidding! I’m here.”
She led me into a large walk in freezer. (I’m glad I wore long pants today to cover my lotion less legs!) In the room was a single chair against the wall facing an un-menacing looking ivory colored machine. Why did they have a little crib pad on the chair? I sat down on the crib pad and looked up at the tech.
“Your gown is on the chair. Please remove your top and bra.”
Oh Man! I was sitting on my “gown”! As she was closing the door, I almost found myself asking “Does it open in the front or the back?” Bet she’d never heard that before!
I shivered as I waited in the crop top gown. I decided to take a closer look at the machine. This doesn’t look bad! The rear of the machine had open handles on both sides and the top of the front looked like a restaurant sneeze guard. Two clinical glass plates (about 6” apart) were under the “sneeze guard”. I noticed that the bottom glass plate had an etched breast pointing in. NICE! I sat back down and glanced to the left. On the shelf was another larger glass plate with another etched breast pointing in. WHY DID SHE GIVE ME THE LITTLE ONE??? I checked out the Tech’s credentials on the wall. I don’t know why I always do that! What difference did it make if it said “Mary Mac has completed an intense training in the art or Mammogramy” or if it said “Mary Mac doesn’t have a clue as to how to administer a Mammogram. Please follow the visual prompts on the machine!” I’m already here and whatever was going to happen was going to happen!
Susie walked in and asked me to stand facing the machine. “Please remove your left arm from the sleeve. We’ll start with that side”. I modestly held the right covering completely over my right side as to not expose my breast!
Now…I’m only 5’3” tall. You’d think you’d be able to just walk up to the machine and comfortably place your boob on the etched breast and wait for the plates to close. NOT!!!!! Apparently they need not only your jaw line in the x-ray…they need the skin that covers your rib cage too!!!!
I walked up to the machine and stood slightly on my tiptoes to place my breast on the bottom plate. “Reach behind the machine with your right arm and hold onto the handle. It’ll help with your balance.” Susie’s right foot was on the pedal as she pulled skin so tightly my mouth popped open! Her left hand pulled my rib cage up to meet my throat. As my knee crept up to my hip my left foot jutted out behind me to form a standing backwards leg lift. She pressed the pedal then jumped behind the screen. “Don’t move” she said sweetly “And hold your breath.” ARE YOU NUTS????????? I CAN’T MOVE AND I’VE BEEN HOLDING MY BREATH SINCE MY MOUTH POPPED OPEN!
“Breathe now…I’m going to release the pressure.” My breath came out quickly in a rush of relief.
Susie came from behind the screen. She turned a knob and the “squeeze plates” rotated to a right angle.
“Now I need you to turn sideways and step closer to the machine”. WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??? What else can you possibly do to this side????????
Susie pulled the skin underneath so tightly that my pinky toe cramped. The top skin was pulled so tightly my stud earrings touched my shoulder! “Move in a little closer.” The side of my face was plastered against the “sneeze guard” as my ear lobe and pinky toe bonded! Susie once again pressed the pedal…jumped behind the screen and sweetly said… “Don’t breathe!” I held my breath and waited for the pressure to release.
“Now remove your right arm from the sleeve”, Susie said. ALL MODESTY WAS GONE!!!!! I yanked my arm out…stepped up to the machine…stood on tippy toes and placed my right boob on the “etched breast”. With foot on pedal, she pulled from the top and bottom. My mouth popped open, I performed a perfect “10” standing backwards leg lift and held my breath!
“Perfect!” Susie said as she snapped my picture. “Breathe now…I’m going to release the pressure.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t release the pressure!!!!!! I know what’s coming next! Just let me grab both handles! I promise I’ll hold my legs out at a 90 degree angle like the Gambine brothers and elevate myself to a right angle! JUST DON’T RELEASE AND SQUEEZE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! Susie didn’t listen and released the pressure. I turned…plastered my own face to the “sneeze guard” and introduced my ear lobe to my pinky toe.
After Susie released the pressure for the second time, she said, “Have a seat and let me take a quick look to make sure the XRAYS look OK. I didn’t even put my “gown” back on! I felt that Susie and I had bonded so well…no need.
She came out and said, “Everything looks OK but I’m not the doctor. They’ll take a look and if they feel they need additional pictures; they’ll call and set up an appointment at the King Street Clinic.” AS IF THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!! They can call if they want but I’m setting that appointment for 5 YEARS from now! (Just kidding Bevie)
My results came back normal…Thank God!
I guess the moral of this story is…modern medicine and preventive procedures are awesome…but they’re a pain in the butt…I mean the neck…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Talk to you soon.
Rosie

I really need a "cruise" cut!

The Adventures of The Avon Lady Continues … I Need A “Cruise” Cut!
I decided I needed a new hair cut for my Avon cruise to the Bahamas. I called my “new hairdresser” to set up an appointment. (My old hair dresser is unavailable for however long it takes to work off speeding tickets on a motor cycle in the local correctional facility!)
I arrive at the appointment with Avon books in hand. As I wait, I browse through the brochure trying to decide what Jenny, my new hair dresser, would like. I know she likes handbags…so I decide to make sure my Avon Butler “Organizer” Bag is organized before I show it to her. I carefully tuck and hide anything that should not be in a pouch so my bag would look like the one in the book. You have to understand one thing… if I get a large bag…I’ll find stuff to fill it with! I looked in my bag. One pocket was full of receipts…OK…that’s not organized! One long pocket holds my wallet that is so full of receipts the snap will no longer snap…OK…that doesn’t look very organized either! I carefully fold the receipts (that I need to put in file folders in the office at home) and tuck them inside a zippered pouch and “discreetly” eat the rest. MUCH BETTER! I make sure everything visible has a home before I show the bag to Jenny.
She finishes with the girl before me and calls me over to her chair. “Jenny, before we get started I’ve got to show you this new “Butler Bag” from Avon! I love it. It has a compartment for everything so you’ll never have to search for your keys or phone again! (The receipts gurgled in my stomach as I spoke!) I proudly opened my bag to show Jenny.
“It’s really nice…but I don’t really carry a big bag. When I get a big bag…I always find stuff to fill it! I try to stick with smaller bags.” My Safeway receipt curled around my intestines as I listened to her. So much for the bag!
“What do you want to do with your hair?” she asked.
“I want to do something different. I’m tired of just taking my hair and wrapping it around and clipping it behind my head! I just earned a cruise to the Bahamas from Avon and I want something easy yet elegant.” I told her. She started jumping up and down (scissors in hand) and singing something Jamaican from Bob Marley! OMG…she was more excited about the cruise than I was! How much of that was excitement for me… and how much was sucking up to get a big tip? It’s hard to say. I mean, what she had to say was soooooo true! She told me how awesome I was and how proud I should be. She said I was the best Avon Lady she’d ever met (although she’s never ordered from me)! She told me how much I deserved the cruise and how pampered I would be! As she talked, I looked in the mirror in front of me. My hair seemed to have much more volume than it did when I sat in the chair just minutes ago! I looked again…and MY HEAD WAS SWOLLEN!!!!!!! OK…so it felt good hearing all the things she had to say…but would my haircut cost more now because my hair was “bigger?”
She guided me and my “big” head over to the sink for a wash. As she washed my hair she massaged my scalp and neck. I relaxed as the warm water cascaded over me and Jenny released the tension from every tight muscle from my neck up. Does she always do this or was she doing this to shrink my head so I could hold it up straight to make it easier for her to cut?
As I sat back down in the chair, Jenny asked once again “What do you want to do with your hair?”
“I’m thinking I might want to lighten it up a bit and maybe do bangs.”
“NO! I don’t think bangs are a good idea”, Jenny said. She was probably right. Every time I’ve cut my hair shorter in the past and went for bangs…I ended up looking like a Wookie from Star Trek! She looked again and said “Maybe you’re right. Long straight bangs to the side would be very sexy!”
“Whatever you think Jenny! I totally trust you!” I said.
Jenny focused on my “Cruise Cut”. I watched in the mirror as she pulled out the tools she would need to make it the perfect cut. I made a mental note of everything I would need to make my hair look just the way she did (that is, of course… if I even liked it!) Hair dryer…check… Large round brush….check… Smaller round brush…check… Flat brush…check…Diffuser…check…Attachment for blowing your hair straight…check. I HAD EVERYTHING AT HOME!!!!!! THIS WOULD BE EASY!!!
My brain still strummed a melody from the massage and Jenny supplied the lyrics. “Always remember that wet hair is your friend.” OH MY GOD!!! That was beautiful!!!!!!! Where did Jenny find the lyrics to match the massage melody going through my head? I’ll never forget those words!
I watched in the mirror as she turned the blow dryer on high and used the large round brush to begin styling. I took detailed mental notes. Pull the hair up and aim the air at the roots. Take the dryer away and pull the brush to the ends and under. Start at the base and work up. Turn the dryer on low and attach the attachment for straight hair. Slowly pull the “bangs” to the side with the straight brush then aim the air backwards to finish off with the smaller round brush. Go back to the large round brush…set the dryer on medium and curl the sides towards the back. Wow…there’s no way I can forget this! Finish off with a cream to tame any wild strands and a little light spray to keep everything in place. Jenny finished my style and handed me the hand mirror to look at the cut from different angles. My hair glistened and swayed as I turned to check out my “cruise” cut.
Who was that girl in the mirror? Every strand was in place and hair gleaming. OMG…It was me!
I thanked her for giving me such an elegant yet easy cut for my cruise. She offered to loan me her curling iron to take along on the cruise. I didn’t need her curling iron…I knew exactly how to style my new “do”! I tipped her extravagantly and left the shop.
I walked in my front door and Tom raved about the cut. (Michael said I looked like Mrs. Brady on the Brady bunch!) I agreed with Tom. My hair was awesome and it was sooooooooo easy to style! I felt like a new person as I cooked dinner and did my other “womanly” chores. It’s absolutely amazing what a new style can do for your attitude!
The next morning as I showered, I looked forward to my new style. This was great! I finally had bangs again that would look sexy and elegant! Getting ready for my new style… I dug in drawers and cabinets and pulled out all the tools I needed. Large round brush…check…smaller round brush…flat brush…check…blow dryer…check…diffuser…check…attachment for drying straight hair…check. YIPPEE…everything I needed! I looked at the “tools” on the counter then looked in the mirror. Jenny’s lyrics came back to me…”Always remember wet hair is your friend”…WHAT IN THE HELL DID THAT MEAN??????????? I looked in the mirror and my hair was starting to dry! NOOOOOOOOO! My wookie bangs were taunting me…”Always remember wet hair is your friend!” WHERE WAS THAT CREAM??????? WHERE WAS MY “CRUISE” CUT???
I took out the dryer and set it on high. I picked up the large round brush and began at the top. Wait a minute. Did Jenny begin at the top or the bottom? I tried to remember what my “massage” brain saw! I took the smaller round brush and started again at the bottom….NOOOOOOOOO…my ends were curling up! “OK…calm down…you can do this…it’s easy!” I said to myself. Take the attachment for drying “straight hair” and blow it upwards on medium. That should do it! I slowly pulled the brush away and looked in the mirror. Wookie bangs were tightly curled down…sides were sticking straight out and the ends of my hair were flipping up and forwards! WHERE WAS MY CRUISE CUT???? I took my Avon hair cream and applied it to my bangs to “lengthen” them. I wrapped the rest of my hair around and clipped it behind my head. As I looked at my reflection in the mirror…I figured out the moral of this story is… “Always remember that wet hair is your friend”… followed by “WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?”
Write more later.
Rosie

Terminix to the rescue!

We’ve had a problem with ants lately! I don’t mean the crazy little sugar ants. I’m talking about every species of ants that’s known to man! We’ve had medium sized black ants…tiny black ants, ghost ants AND the crazy little sugar ants! They were driving me nuts!!!!!!!! My kitchen is small so I have limited space to place things while I’m cooking other things. I couldn’t put anything down on the counter to finish another dish without worrying about the ants getting to my gourmet dishes. I was tired of balancing the warm bread on my head in a basket…holding the bowl of rice in my left hand as I tossed the salad with tongs between my teeth!!!!! I WAS ON A MISSION…THE ANTS WERE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!
I hobbled to Ace Hardware Hawaii and asked the guy what I should use to kill the ants. I had already tried Tero (which had killed any ants I’ve ever had in the past…but no luck!) I explained we have a cat and I didn’t want anything that would harm Fluffy. BUD MAYBE (THE DIRTY UGLY GOLDFISH…but not Fluffy).
“OH…you need this!” He leads me down the isle of insecticides to the glowing spray bottle of “BUG STOP INDOORS PLUS OUTDOORS”. Wow…$14 for a bottle of insecticide! If it meant the ants would be gone…I’d pay it!
“Just spray it where you see the ants and they’ll die on contact!” he said. Wish I had gotten his name… cause he’s a LIAR!
I went home with spray bottle in hand waiting for the invasion! I stood in the kitchen with “BUG STOP INDOORS PLUS OUTDOORS” in my hand ready to fire! In just a few minutes the army of ants began marching across my kitchen wall between the counter and the fridge. I AIMED AND FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE YOU SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!
I watched the spray shooting from the “gun” and striking the ants in motion. The spray is actually a heavy stream (which runs down the wall and I’ll have to clean it up so Fluffy doesn’t lick it!). I watch and wait for the ants to DIE! What was going on? Some of the ants were doing synchronized back strokes as others were running laps in the “pool”. I think I actually saw one do a perfect jack knife dive! They finished their “work out”…shook themselves dry and trailed back onto the kitchen counter!
“Honey, I don’t think this is going to work!” I called to Tom.
Thomas finally decided enough was enough. He was calling in the BIG GUNS! He called Terminix. We set up the earliest appointment we could with “Troy”. He would come to our home…evaluate and treat!
I waited for Troy to arrive to kill the demons. I pictured him walking in with a gas mask…large tank of compressed insecticide on his back and carrying an Uzi for back up!
The door bell rang I went to let Troy in.
OK…so he doesn’t have a gas mask! He doesn’t have a large tank of compressed insecticide on his back! HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN UZI!!!
He walked in with a syringe and a bag of ant “treats”! WE SIGNED A CONTRACT FOR THIS?
OK…he didn’t have a gas mask or an Uzi…put he had a CONTRACT!!!!!!
As Tom and Troy were going over the contract, I said “Troy, how many women work in your office?”
Tom rolled his eyes and said “Oh God!”
“About 10”, Troy replied.
“Would you mind taking some of my Avon brochures to the girls you work with?” I asked.
“That wouldn’t be a problem at all” he replied.
Troy treated the condo. His magic syringe had the ants crawling towards the droplets like bees to honey. This was so cool!!!!!!!!! All the different species joined together as one as they marched to the magic potion!
As he left, I said “Would you like the Avon books in a Safeway bag or Avon bag?”
“I’ll take the Safeway bag!”
Troy walks out of the condo carrying an empty syringe and a Safeway bag full of Avon books.
He had told us if we saw more than a few ants before his next scheduled appointment in October to just give him a call and he’d come back.
I called on Saturday. We still had a few ants. The number of ants had dropped so much that I could actually set the rice down as I tossed the salad with my teeth, but they were still driving me nuts.
The girl that answered the phone told us that Troy was really busy and she’d see when the soonest time was that she could work us in. “I have an appointment on Tuesday afternoon. Will that work for you?” I’M SICK OF THE ANTS…OF COURSE IT WOULD WORK!
“Did you see anything in the Avon books that you’d like to order?” I asked the girl on the phone.
“What Avon books? I didn’t get a book. I love Avon!”
“OK. I’ll make sure Troy brings you one this time”.
TROY BETTER COME WITH AN UZI NOW BECAUSE HE WASTED MY BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
On Tuesday, when the doorbell rang, I greeted Troy pleasantly. “Thanks so much for working us in! I’m so tired of these ants!!!!”
“Not a problem” Troy replied. “Did the ants go away completely and come back again?” he asked.
“No there have been a few survivors since the first treatment. They never went away completely.”
“Not a problem! We’ll take care of the rest!”
WOW…Troy’s really nice!!!!!!! He’s going to kill my ants!!! I’m soooooooo happy!
I glance at Troy as he pulls out a “contract”. The same “contract” he pulled out with Tom as he promised me he’d deliver my books!!!!!!!!!!
Something snapped inside me!!!!! My head spun around in circles…my eyes shot flames and I screamed in 7 different tongues…”YOU PROMISED ME YOU’D DELIVER MY BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GIRL WHO ANSWERED THE PHONE ON SATURDAY SAID SHE NEVER SAW ANY AVON BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!”
Troy pulled his “magic syringe” on me and said “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CRAZY LADY, I GAVE YOUR BOOKS TO JOELLE TO PASS OUT!”
OK…he gave me a name. Maybe I had “over reacted” a tad!
“I’m sorry Troy…but she really wants to see an Avon book! She told me she loooooooves Avon! Will you take some more books with you when you go?”
Troy looked hesitant (he knew he would be coming back for the scheduled appointment in October…and I guess he didn’t know what he’d face then!)
After hearing me speak in tongues…Troy once again replied “No problem.”
We walked through the condo and Troy used his “magic syringe” to treat the few places we had still seen ants.
As he filled out the contract for me to sign…I loaded a Safeway bag with Avon brochures for him to take to the girls in the office.
I signed the contract… scheduled our next appointment and handed him his Safeway bag full of books. WHAT A NICE GUY!!!!!
The moral of this story… Avon brochures are mightier than the “syringe”!
Rosie

Preparing for a Colonoscopy

This story is actually about my friend Becky. She had this procedure last week and emailed me her account of events. She asked if I wanted to tweek it for her...so here goes. Remember the names have not been changed to protect the innocent!

DAY ONE OF COLONOSCOPY
WHEN TO DRINK MY FOUR LITERS??? Four liters doesn’t sound like a lot… but picture 2 TWO LITER BOTTLES OF SODA MIXED WITH ANOTHER LIQUID! (I’ve heard 7UP is highly recommended!) I’m trying to jiggle the time between clients and sitting on the toilet! NOW…HOW MUCH SHOULD I DRINK AND WHEN.... I DONT' WANT THE KIDS TO HAVE THERAPY OUTSIDE MY BATHROOM DOOR! I figured it out pretty well and stopped seeing clients by 5. At 5:02 I was on the toilet! Man…FAST CLEAN OUT! I know I wasn’t supposed to eat and I didn’t even want to eat food after the aromas coming from my “potty”! WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO EAT? HOW DISGUSTING!I finally sipped some beef broth and had another “poop juice and 7UP cocktail”. ONLY SIX MORE COCKTAILS TO GO!!! WHOOHOOOOOI was cleaned out by 6 and wondered why I had to finish this stuff? Following the Dr.’s orders… I had another “poop juice and 7UP cocktail”. I WILL NEVER HAVE 7UP AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I’M CRAVIN’ MY COKE!!!!!!!!!! What can it hurt? I’ll just cheat and have ½ a can!
I decided to watch a little TV and play video games. I’m at the point where Mario is about to save the princess and “Oi” (my dog) decides he’s better at saving Princesses than I am. He jumps onto my lap and grabs the controller! When he hits my lap it’s like a giant bubble grew in my stomach!
“Get down Oi…my stomach’s sore!!”
Oi (being the obedient dog that he is) jumps down. The bubble in my stomach bursts and “shishi” comes out my butt!!!!!!????
It’s all clear! They’ll never know I drank that ½ coke! The “butt shishi” finally stopped at 10…But I had about four more “cocktails” to go!!!!!!! THIS WAS NUTS!!!!!!! Being the rebel that I am, I had jello at 11 PM. BLUE JELLO...CAN'T HAVE RED…. DONT' LIKE GREEN OR ORANGE. PRETTY COLORS!!!!!!DAY TWO: SURGERY
I woke up the day of the surgery with BLUE (PRETTY BLUE) “BUTT SHISHI” still leaving my body!!!!!!!!
I decided if I was going to be running to the bathroom a lot and having a “bloated” stomach after the procedure…I’m dressing comfortably! I put on my favorite white sweats and headed out the door!I ran to the hospital at 5:45 AM and got in the lonnnnnng line. HOW COULD SO MANY PEOPLE BE HERE THIS EARLY?
You know that commercial that says “GOTTA GO…GOTTA GO …GOTTA GO RIGHT NOW!”… WELL, THAT WAS ME!!!!!!!!!!
I got out of line…lost my place... and ran to the bathroom!!! BLUE COLORED PANTIES NOW!!!!!!
I go back to the end of the line and feel “the Bubble” about to burst again!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I’M NOT LEAVING THIS LINE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
I give a “fake” cough to cover up any “fart sound” and feel blue liquid leaving my body. A small “pretty blue” paisley print appears on my favorite white sweats! I “cough” again… another “pretty blue” paisley print! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I’m so cleaned out by now that there’s no smell! I DON’T HAVE TO LOSE MY PLACE IN LINE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! People must think I have pneumonia as I cough and cough and cough!
As I’m making my way towards the front desk…people are saying to me…”I love your “pretty blue” paisley pants!!! Where’d you get them?”
WONDER IF I WILL POOP ALL BLUE FLUID IN THE OPERATING ROOM???????
WONDER IF THEY’LL NOTICE!!!!
THEY KNOCKED ME OUT WITH SOMETHING GOOD (WAY BETTER THAN MY “POOP JUICE COCKTAIL”)!
When I woke up they showed me my colon. IT WAS BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not just blue…”Pretty Blue!”I GUESS THEY REALLY NOTICED THE BLUE JELLO.
Now… when I was young I learned that if you drank enough Grape Kool Aid…your poop would turn green! Who would have thunk that if you even snuck ½ a can of Coke and mixed it with blue jello and “poop cocktail” that it would turn “pretty blue”?
They took out five polyps and I went home with a pretty blue colon picture! I FELT GREAT!!!!!!!!!! Man their medicine is good!!!
I felt sooooooooo good that I went to work and started to return my zillions of calls. I dialed the Social Worker’s number and as she answered the phone…I thought to myself… “Why is she calling me???? Doesn’t she know I just had a procedure and my colon is “pretty blue”?
“What do you mean you didn’t call me?” I asked the Social Worker. I explained I was on drugs…and she explained I will now be required to attend “rehab session” once a week!!!!!I
I was sooooo professional as I screamed into the phone “NOOOOOOOOO…I’m the REHAB person!!!! You can’t do that to me!”
They laughed and told me “BETTER SLEEP AND TAKE IT EASY AS THE DOCTOR SAID. NO WORKING TILL YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’VE DIALED A NUMBER OR WHEN YOUR PHONE ACTUALLY RINGS!”
The moral of the story… MAKE SURE U EAT BLUE JELLO AS YOUR COLON IS VERY PRETTY ON FILM !! This story also has another moral...preparing for a hurricane isn't as crappy as preparing for a colonoscopy!
Feel better Becky!
Talk to you soon
Rosie

Preparing for Hurrican Felicia

Tom has a weather alert system on his computer called STORM PULSE. A few weeks ago an alert popped up about Hurricane Felicia and Tom called out from the office, "Babe, we've got a big storm on the way. We need to check the emergency kit."
I ran into the office to look at the alert. All I could think about was we had about a week to get ready for Felicia and I was going to get a day off from work! I got on my computer and goggled "Hurricane Emergency Kits". I printed out the two page list and we went out to the storage container to check our supplies.
Well, it had been a couple of years since we had checked and updated supplies. What would we find in the container? I DON'T LIKE THINGS THAT CREEP AND CRAWL! Living in Hawaii, we're "blessed" with so many different types of lizards and insects. As much as I HATE Hawaii's roaches...I'd much rather find one of them than a gecko! I mean, I'll spray a roach with Avon hair spray and stop it in it's tracks in a heart beat! I just can't do that to a gecko. All I can do when an "iguana" appears is call out to Michael to catch it as I stand on the dining room table (crouched down so my head doesn't hit the ceiling fan!) until he takes it outside. SOOOOOOOOO...I was casually leaning against the railing on the lanai (at least 10 feet away) as Tom opened the lid of the emergency container.
He pulled out my first neatly labeled "sub" container. The label read... LARGE FLASHLIGHT... LANTERN... SMALL CHARCOAL GRILL...TONGS... CAN OPENER... EMERGENCY CAT LITTER PAN. Man I'm good! Everything was in place and ready for Felicia.
Tom pulled out my second "sub" container".
"MICHAEL...bring me gloves, a putty knife with a telescoping handle and a sterile mask!" We read the neatly labeled "sub" container... TOILET PAPER... PAPER TOWELS... STERILE WIPES. Everything was in place and also covered in gecko and roach poop! Can the critters really read? Did they actually "use the bathroom"...wipe...then sanitize?
"Michael...bring a large black garbage bag!" As we tossed all the items into the large black garbage bag, I thought to myself, "We still have time to replace the ruined items!" We strapped down the lanai furniture with industrial bungee cords (that actually had gears that tightened). We were getting ready for Felicia! All I had to do was email Tom the Costco list for the hurricane!
Those of you that know Tom, know that he is the "Costco King". When a Costco opened just blocks away from Tom's office, he camped out for three days. It was almost as if The Beatles were performing! If there is any such thing as a "Costco Groupie"..Tom is one of them; so I wasn't really worried about replacing any crappy items.
I made a Costco list and emailed it to Tom. It included water, paper towels, toilet paper and wipes.
Tom called the house when he was about 5 minutes away. "Have Michael bring "THE CART" down and meet me in the parking lot. Now "THE CART" (which was purchased at Costco) is a heavy duty, flat bed savior on wheels! It can carry up to 5,000 lbs. of stacked goods without even breaking a sweat! When Tom and Michael wheeled the supplies in; not only had he replaced the crappy stuff...he had three cases of water, two cases of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup (we don't even like chicken noodle soup), 1 case of Spam, six flashlights, a "green" lantern, 800 batteries, a 5,000 piece set of plastic cutlery, 600 paper plates and a 50 lb. container of Tang! We were ready for Felicia!
Felicia was a category 3 storm now! I was so excited! I was going to get a day off! Would she hit on Tuesday or Wednesday??? I needed to keep the girls at work posted! Tom had all this high technoligy stuff; so I needed to let them know what was going on. I went on Storm Pulse to check. I got even more excited!!!!!!!!!!!! "Felicia is now a Category 4 hurricane. Felicia is moving N NW at 14 miles per hour and with sustained winds of 120 MPH." OK...what does that mean? Are we going to be off Tuesday or Wednesday? I clicked on the detailed map. At 2 PM on Wednesday it looked like the most concentrated part of the storm was on us. OK...that meant we'd be off on Wednesday. Tom pointed out that the area in front that looked like a huge cylinder would actually hit us first. OK...that meant we'd be off on Tuesday! WHY ISN'T THERE A WEATHER ALERT THAT SAYS..."Winds will begin to pick up at 2:14 on Tuesday followed by flooding at 8:05 of Wednesday."? I went to work on Monday feeling confident with my forecast.
"We're going to be off tomorrow! Storm Pulse says that we're going to start feeling the effects of the storm tomorrow and the strongest part will be Wednesday!" We were all so excited!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone planned their shopping trips to Costco to purchase their Felicia items.
As we ate lunch on that Monday, we looked out the windows at the sky. Everything was pretty clear!? I knew it could happen quickly! A napkin on the table fluttered! Were the winds kicking up? We all held our breath! The skies remained clear and we all went home hoping for rain and winds!
As soon as I got home, I ran into the office to check Storm Pulse. "Hurricane Felicia continues as a Category 4 hurricane. Felicia continues to move N NW at 14 miles per hour with increased sustained winds of 135 MPH." YIPPEEEEEEE! She's getting stronger! I ran out to the lanai to look at the sky. Blue skies and small patches of gray clouds...gray clouds were a good sign!
I called Janelle (now nick named Stormy) to see what the weather was like in town. "It's a little gray and it's drizzling every now and then...but nothing big." IT WAS DRIZZLING! THAT'S HOW THE HURRICANES BEGIN!
I ran inside to check Storm Pulse again. "Hurricane Felicia has now been downgraded to a tropical storm". NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I already had plans for Wednesday!
"Felicia is expected to keep dissipating as it moves closer to Hawaii's coast". NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have two cases of chicken noodle soup!
When I got up on Tuesday morning to the sound of birds chirping and blue skies; I ran in to check Storm Pulse.
"Felicia has now been downgraded to a tropical depression. Hawaii can expect some heavy rains at times and some gusty winds."
WHY CAN'T YOU SAY "HAWAII CAN EXPECT A DAY OFF"????????????
I got ready for work with a heavy heart and a can of chicken noodle soup for lunch. My co-workers glared at me as I walked in. As I looked around the office, I started feeling a little bit better. Everyone was having "Costco size" canned chicken noodle soup for lunch!

My Flippin Foot

I woke up at 2:47 AM last Sunday with my "Flippin' Foot" itching and burning! What was wrong now? I knew it couldn't be my "re-aligned" toe because it was elevated and stabilized! Without opening my eyes, I drowsily scratched the elevated itch. I waited for a few seconds and scratched again. "Did something bite me during the night?" I thought about Mel (AKA SLAG) and the centipede she found in her bed. I didn't want to open my eyes and find one...so I scratched once more and drifted off to sleep again. At 3:16 the burning and itching woke me again. Once again (without opening my eyes), I scratched the elevated itch. I scratched and scratched until my fingers were numb! I fell back to sleep and woke up at 5:30.
"Tom must still be on Seattle time", I thought to myself when I got out of bed. He was already awake.
I walked past the office to get my morning coffee (secretly missing the air mattress).
"Good morning, honey. How'd you sleep?" I asked.
"I slept great!" Thomas said. "How did YOU sleep?"
"Not so good! My arch of my "FLIPPIN" foot is burning and itching! I think something bit me during the night."
I hobbled out to the kitchen...got my coffee...and decided to look at my foot. Well...it's red and swollen and still itching and tender. I was about to ask Tom to "take a look"; but decided to wait and see how it felt as I started moving around. I then looked at my nails. My scratching during the night had totally worn off my Avon Mauve Madness nail polish!!!!!!!! I’d rather have "red, swollen and itching" feet than a bad manicure!
Today was Avon delivery day. My orders were coming in. I had an "emergency" delivery to make to a guy who was going to leave for the mainland at 11:00 and an appointment with a new Avon Representative at 11:45 (welcome Melelani!). I kept hobbling to the door and peeking through the peep hole to see if Larry (my delivery guy) had delivered yet.
I was on a tight schedule; so I decided to shower early so I'd be ready for my delivery and appointment. After showering, I put on my cute little "appointment" dress and went into the living room.
"Honey, something’s really wrong with my "FLIPPIN" foot. It's still burning and itching! I’m not sure if something bit me or not." I sprayed on the Avon anti- itch spray and waited for the pain to go away. Now this stuff is good... but no luck!
"Let me take a look at it", Tom says. "Michael, bring my glasses and a flashlight!" Tom's sitting in his reclining chair and directs me to lie on the couch. Now I'm laying on the couch (in my cute little "appointment" dress) with my feet facing the outside lanai door. I prop my foot up on the arm of the couch for Tom to "take a look". Even as a child... I never had dreams of being an acrobat or tight rope walker... but as I lay there on the couch...Tom lifted my leg so high in the air I felt like I was suspended from one of the swinging ladders that the Gambini Twins would use! My cute little "appointment" dress rose up my legs and my star spangled underwear was on display for my family (and any neighbors who happened to be outside my lanai window) to see!
I was filled with embarrassment...but Tom was so focused on his mission of relieving the "evil" in my foot; that he didn't seem to notice! "Michael...bring me my knife, peroxide and duct tape!"
OK...I'LL BITE!!
"Honey, what do you need the duct tape for?" I ask. By now, I just want to get this over with and pull my skirt down so badly that I don't even care about the knife!
"If I can't get whatever is in there out...the duct tape will pull it out."
OK...I'll only go so far!!!!! I have toes that have been stabilized for six weeks and one "VERY dirty bootie" and a bad manicure at this point! BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT DUCT TAPE!
"Honey, don't you think we can use adhesive tape instead?"
He pulls the knife out and leans towards my foot! "DON'T CUT MY FOOT!" I screamed.
"I'm not! I’m only going to graze it." Now if my name were Bessie (and I was a cow), I think I'd feel much better about this! Tom leans towards me with the knife and begins to "graze".
"I'm only getting clear liquid! I know there's something in there! Just be still!"
Every time I twitched, he said "you're such a girlie girl!"
"HELLO... I have on my cute little "appointment" dress...what do you expect?"
The knife doesn't work so he calls out, "Michael, bring a needle!" Michael comes out with a 4" long 2"wide darning needle and proceeds to go onto the lanai to "sterilize" it with a match. Now keep in mind...these matches have been in the emergency kit for the past two years! He's striking and striking...and not a spark! He finally gave up and brought the needle inside and gave it to Tom. "Don't poke it straight in!!!!!!!!"
"I'm not...I’m only going to graze it!"
Tom looks at me from his "ROCKING" recliner chair...glasses perched on his nose...4" long needle in hand with the flash light pointed at a 90 degree angle wedged between his neck and chin. I'm looking at him looking at me and I don't even care anymore that my "star spangled" undies are on public display! JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!!!!!!!!!!!
He "grazes" and pokes...nothing!
"I know there's something in there...let's just put the tape on in and wait and see what happens in the morning."
As I hobble back to bed (with silver tape on my foot) I'm thinking "I need to call the real doctor in the morning." I just want to be able to wear a pair of shoes again! I can't wait to sit on the torture table at the doctors and at least have my foot numb before the poking and grazing begins.
If there were a moral to this story...the moral would have to be...if you're going to "moon" the neighbors and your family...make sure you have on "star spangled underwear!"
Happy Labor Day!
Rosie

A True Inspiration!

I have to warn you ahead of time…this is not a funny story! I'm going to tell you a story that I think will move you as much as I was moved!
This morning I went on an appointment to sign up a visually impaired young woman as a New Avon Representative. I was nervous about going to her house alone so I took Michael. I wasn't nervous about the fact she was blind...I was nervous about the fact that she might really be a serial killer luring me into a trap. (OK...sometimes I'm psycho!)
When we arrived I called her cell number so she could buzz the locked gate to let us into the units. As we waited (by the wrong gate) a little girl came out (probably about 8 years old). She looked at us then went back behind the locked gate on the other side of the building. Michael and I walked over to the gate she had disappeared behind. Soon she came running back out and asked if I was looking for Kristen. I told her I was; so she opened the gate and let us in. The whole way to the apartment, she kept calling out, "Mom...Mom...the lady is here!"
We entered a small apartment that was filled with mouth watering smells! A man was in the kitchen cooking. He had his back to me as I said, "Hi. I’m Rosie with Avon and this is my son Michael." Focusing on his task at hand (cooking a delicious meal) he said "Nice to meet you. I'm Shel", with his back still turned. Michael and I were in the living room and the little girl ran over to move her doll and blanket off the couch so I could sit down. In a few minutes a lovely young lady walked into the room. I went up to her and introduced myself and asked her if she wanted to sit by me on the couch. She sat down and we began talking about Avon. I asked her "What brought you to Avon?" She told me she had sold Mary Kay years ago and done pretty well with it. She had heard the commercials for Avon and felt it was something she should try.
I began my appointment by pulling "the folder" out of her new Avon bag. As I began talking to her I realized I had to change the way I conducted her appointment. Instead of pointing at a picture (like I did with all of you) and saying "This is Sue etc. etc. etc."; I had to conduct her appointment with absolutely no visuals. As I got to the point in the appointment where I talk about your brochure being your store...I realized she had never seen an Avon book before! I opened the brochure and told her what her customers would see on certain pages and some of the specials Avon was running. She would interject a "wow!" every now and then. As I got to the jewelry section, I took her hand and let her feel my necklace as I described it to her. I told her what color the stones were and let her touch my matching earrings. "Wow, they're pretty!" she said. I opened the book to a scented page so she could rub her wrist and smell what her customers would smell. She was really impressed with the brochures.
Shel had finished cleaning the kitchen and came in to sit on the living room floor facing me. He listened as I began to fill out Kristen's contract. When I got to the section for the social security number; I asked Kristen, "Do you feel comfortable telling me your social security number for the contract?" (As you already know, I usually give the contract back to the new rep at that point and let them fill in their own information.)
"Are you sure you're really with Avon?", she asked as she smiled. At that point, I shoved the book towards Shel. "Will you please tell her I'm really Avon. Look...Avon is written everywhere!" Shel smiled but said nothing.
"Shel, she doesn't realize you’re blind too! She was talking to you!" Kristen said. Oh MY God! I could not believe it! Both Kristen and Shel were blind. I had thought when I first walked in that he would be the one to key in her orders on the computer. We talked about ways that we could make accommodations for her to be successful in Avon. She will be calling in her orders by phone. She has a voice recorder that she can talk into to record the information.
Now was the point where I'm supposed to show her what's in her bag. I pulled out a brochure and turned it over. I took her hand and placed it on the bottom right hand side of the book, explaining this was where her name, phone number and date would go. "Selena", I called. The little girl came running out of the bedroom adjusting her hearing aids. “I want to show you where your mom's information will go on the book.” I showed her the bright green delivery schedule and explained to her if she was going to help her Mom date the books to date them one day before the order was due. I showed her where the campaign number was on the front of the book. I then took the contract and showed Selena her mom's account number. "Any time she calls Avon to place an order, she'll need to put this number in."
I took out my cell phone and put it on speaker phone. "I'm going to call Avon so you can hear what it's going to sound like when you call." Kristen, Shel and Selena listened as Avon prompted me for what they needed next.
Kristen seemed a little overwhelmed with all the information I had just shared, but also excited to give Avon a try! I took her hand and guided her to the line on the contract for her to sign. I explained to her where I had put all of her materials and told her about the sales meeting this Thursday.
"Shel, get the recorder and put the address and time in so I can call Handi Van". I gave Shel the information and he entered it into her recorder.
Kristen will be at the sales meeting this week and I can't wait for all of you to meet her! What an inspiration! What an incredible family. Two visually impaired adults and a hearing impaired child who has had to become "grown up" at such an early age.
I know there will be many things that Kristen will need to become successful with Avon. I know we're all willing to do what we can to help her meet her goals.
I came home and ordered a free rubber stamp for her from Vista Print, so Selena will only have to write the date.
There are times where all of us have probably made excuses for why we didn't do so great in a certain campaign. I've done it myself but I also realize that's exactly what they are...excuses. Close your eyes...put your hands over your ears and try to do your business. This is what Kristen will face; but I guarantee you she will do her very best and not make any excuses.
Talk to you soon.
Rosie